Nov 30, 2005

The one with sorry

"I don't believe you. Someone told me before he'll do it and I'm going to wait for 45 days again?!"

Well, yeah I guess. As much as want to take a spell and put some magic into your networks, the company needs to wait on an approval for the network.

This guy kept bugging me over the phone.

I was about to tell him with my most serious tone of voice that we don't have control over the site when he suddenly said...

"My wife and I used to watch the channel you see. She had passed away last week and I'm going through the depression. I can't believe we'll lose that channel, we used to watch that in the beginning of this year. I'm sorry for my behavior but the TV is the only thing keeping me alive these days."

"I'm sorry for your loss." Like it would do anything. (Don't dare mention the word understand or you're dead-dictates my head.)

I melted like an ice cream on my seat. I felt like sweating or scratching my head or better yet knock it on the desk. Stupid me. I almost got into a fight with someone who had lost someone he loved.

Me and my big mouth. Good thing I still had a little bit of sanity left in me.

I muttered sorry like 6 times because he kept telling me a story about her addiction to the local channels.

I envy him. At least he had met someone like her. I'm still strolling on some unknown street trying to find Mr. I'm-a-good-guy-who-can-fight-with-a-girl-who-is-smart-and-funny-and- Naaaah..never mind. Nobody like that really exists.

He's either in a relationship or gay. Those are my 2 options most of the time. I am one unlucky bitch.

If there's someone out there who's supposed to be my guy, well, he probably got lost in his cab and had landed on an island where there's no phone or airplane passing by. He could've died because of fatigue and hunger,was lost at sea or eaten by cannibals???

Ohmygoodness. Here I go again.
That's just the beginning.

There's more to that once a girl imagines, believe me.

Nov 10, 2005

The one with YOU

Dear YOU,
As your friend, I appreciate everything you have done for me. I am truly grateful that you were there when I badly needed someone who's always there to cheer me up and keep me company when I don't want to be alone. You've been the friend who gives constant advice and listens to my corny jokes. Most of all, you made me see that there are some things in life worth sacrificing to be happy. You are one of a kind.
However, these past few days have bothered me. I don't know if I was just too busy with my plans of resigning that I didn't notice some things about you until today. Everyday, you can't help but ask me if you're getting fat or not. I would reply the usual, "No, you're just imagining things."
I got tired of it. Earlier, I wasn't able to help it so I told you, "No, I didn't notice anything different" when you asked me if you're getting skinny as what your friend from college told you.
Another sore subject I'm tired of hearing is your fetish for shoes or nail polish. Why are some girls so into these topics? It's either you're showing off your new high-heeled shoes or your new nail polish which aren't on the top of my "interesting topic" list. If I notice things, I simply tell a friend or two, "Hey, I like that." I'm beginning to wonder if you badly needed some attention when you were growing up that it's starting to pop up now that you're 24. I'm 22 and I don't need any attention. I hate it when people comment about what I'm wearing and they're mind is somewhere else. What is it with compliments? I hate it when people make those nonsense comments to fill the silence.
There's nothing wrong with compliments; it's irritating when a praise is used to say something or anything to avoid an awkward moment. I'd rather listen to the sound of dripping water. Thank you.
Then there goes the spur-of-the-moment stories about your ex's. Or ex-suitors. I've heard them a thousand times. Maybe at first I was fascinated with your suitors who kept bugging you but it's getting to my nerves. In the first place, I don't know them. Second, you don't need to let me know that you have good qualities because you do. I don't want to think you're the insecure type but that's what my mind is telling me after hearing a thousand suitors sending you text messages and all that shit.
Oh, and I wouldn't consider your overly conscious tummy which can taste the cholesterol over every food that you eat bad. I understand you're a bit chubby, but you're not the girl who walks with layers in between your boobs and thigh who needs to look at all the calories on every food listed on the menu. Earlier, I can't help but look at my cellphone to avoid the stare that the waitress gave you when you made her wait for 10 minutes because you can't decide what to order.
Oh my goodness. I smiled at you to hide the reaction I have deep, deep down. To be honest, you were worse than the customers I've dealt with over the phone today.
I have a lot of friends. We enjoy talking about almost everything under the sun. We talk about each other's life, hobbies, movies, politics, news, and even our lousy adventures in the past. With you, it seems like my world is limited to your suitor, ex's, weight, trips in the US etc. We also talk about other stuff sometimes but most of it goes back to YOU...I like you but the word self-centered and shallow floated in the air with it's startling but clear meaning.
I am so sorry but some part of you is quite strange in my little world. I can take people who are undergoing some diet. Not drinking softdrinks for a year is okay but choosing food with less oil or noticing the grease in fries and MSG (which makes you dizzy too often I can't count) is just too much it gives me a headache.
I want to roll my eyes a dozen times. If you weren't my friend I would've done that but since you are, I kept quiet.
You were always telling me to live life to the fullest and do not concentrate on work too much. I am giving you the same advice now. You've been cooped up in your wonderful world about yourself, you weren't able to know more about other people while you're growing up.
Here are some tips:
-talk about your life but do not talk too much about them (anything done excessively is bad)
-chatting about men is a usual topic but not when all of them are crushing on you;not all men are dying to get you to bed
-stop talking about grease when your friend is a fan of fries
-too much cleanliness is icky (like wiping your straw or spoon when the waiter had accidentally held the wrong end) WARNING: germs would not kill you in a split second.
-wait for someone to notice you, fishing for compliments is killing the absolute truth on it
-the world does not revolve around you
I am dying to tell you all this but the other side of me pulls me back. What if I'm also strange to you?
I am not like you so if we'll think of this in a logical way, I may also appear as the one with the exaggerated behavior. I won't blame you. I want to live life to the fullest. I smoke, I drink, I eat all the greasy foods on earth, I'm not afraid of softdrinks & I order whatever food I can think of when I'm hungry. I am all those things...
And I'm happy with my life.
So what if we're different? If you're happy on how you live, I respect that. Just please don't talk about the above-mentioned things because the next time you do, I'm afraid my eyes would turn white.

Oct 18, 2005

The one with the lessons

Here are some lessons I've learned over the phone:

Lesson #1:
Sometimes you'd love to blurt out what you want to say but when it comes out, it sounds different than how you imagined it in your mind. (eg. fart, no matter how you control it, well the truth is that it explodes. LOL...)

Lesson #2:
Sometimes when the person you're talking to says, "Do you understand me?"(after a looong story) you can't help but say yes although you're dying to tell them,

"Do I have a choice?" or something more like,

"Yeah, I almost did. I dozed off in between When and it." or the most blunt of all...

"Yes. It's crystal clear. Say what now?"

Lesson #3:
Sometimes you might meet a dead end in the conversation. If you don't know what else to say to close the topic, say "OKAY."Then cross your fingers and hope that the person on the other line took the hint.

2 words= TIME'S UP!!!

Lesson #4:
Sometimes you can't breathe while talking. To maximize the pause, say "Uhuh..Ahuh..", it minimizes the tension. Then press mute to breathe in and out. Whew. What a freak.

Lesson #5:
Sometimes the person you're talking to keeps talking to people around them, you're always confused if they're talking to you. To get their attention, when they ask you a question pretend you didn't hear it and say,
"Are you talking to me?"

Lesson #6:
Never say Yes at all times. They might ask you something particularly unique. For example, "It's not that expensive, no?" (Spanish) Yes,no. Or No,yes. Whaaat?!

Lesson #7:
Act like everything's going smoothly. Don't overdo it.

"You were saying something about the equipment you bought and the technician had been so rude, he even ruined your door around sevenish... or is it your whole house?" Wait, wait, wait...This is not a guessing game!Get some significant words and use them wisely.

Or maybe the word is subtle.

Lesson #8:
When you're in a call wait, stay alert. You might expose all your secrets without knowing who you're talking to or moreover, you'll receive something along these lines-->"Hello, what are you talking about?", "It's still me. Heeeellllooo?"

Lesson #9:
Speak your mind. Say Totally whenever possible. Especially when they don't believe you're listening. It will get the other person's attention. I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND. Then repeat every word she/he said. That'll slap them in the face.

Lesson #10:
Respect the person on the other line. You deserve it as well. However, all rules have exceptions. If he doesn't treat you like a human being, it goes both ways. Fight fire with fire.
No one will mess up with you. It's very refreshing once you've done it, trust me. ;)

Oct 14, 2005

The one with the box

I was busy cleaning my room because I was trying to find my favorite jacket when I got my hands on the box I've kept so long.
The Box of Memories.
Yes, me & my friends kept one. Silly, right? Those were THE DAYS.
I was the keeper. It started in high school. We were hanging out in school when we had decided to collect any items we have on a day we spend together:receipts,flyer,ribbon,playing cards etc.
Every memory we ever had is in that box. I almost forgot I have it. We were 4 in the group. Let's call my first friend "Lenny". She was the most sought-after girl in the batch. The girl who had both brains and beauty. She had been a friend I met through another friend. We became closer than I thought we ever would. Where is she now? She got a miscarriage before she even graduated and had 3 bad relationships before she met the man of her dreams who is more than 10 years older than her.
I'm happy for her but we've lost communication since I went to college in another city. I tried a dozen times to contact her; she doesn't reply to my messages so I just let it go. I don't hate her for what happened. I only regret that we've lost whatever we had years ago. It's not her fault either...maybe it's me or it's just fate...
Then there's another friend "Tina". She's the smartest and most daring person I've ever met. She graduated in another city like me but we kept in touch. She slept over a couple times in my place that we're practically sisters. She had a few reckless adventures in her life however, she had managed to overcome all of them. One of her wrong moves is probably having a baby. She's not ready for it but was able to accept reality and do what is best for her daughter. I'm so proud of her. She grew up in a family like mine. She grew up from a poor family like me. Maybe that's the reason for our unique bond. We both know how to value what we have especially friends because of what we've been through. She's still calling every now and then and nothing has changed between us.
The closest friend I ever had was "Meagan". She was the most popular girl in school at that time. She's outgoing, friendly and what other people don't know about her is that she's down-to-earth & simple. She might appear flirtatious,brainless or just plain pretty but she's more than that. I liked her because she's not pretentious nor self-centered. We had many things in common. Books, songs, hobbies-name it. I was the girl no one would ever remember in school. I didn't excel that much in high school and I never wanted to be a popular girl. I want to simply walk in the hallway unnoticed. It was the most bizarre thing that we became friends with different circle of friends.
I thought we will be friends forever. We had even studied on the same university because we don't want to be away from each other. On my last year in college though, something happened.

She wasn't calling or sending me messages for 3 months. I tried to talk to her. The unexpected response from her shocked me. She replied in the most hurting way possible. I never imagined we would end our friendship THAT way.

It's almost a year now. I thought I had gotten over it. The hatred's gone but the pain is still there. I know I have found new friends and I should be happy...but it's not the same.

I always end up reminiscing those times we had-laughing in a joke that WE can only understand. We can interpret each other's action by just looking. She's someone who knew what I'll think right before I know it and vice versa.

It's sad when you lose something. Suddenly, I was trying to grasp a part of myself that I've been missing for so long. I stopped rummaging the box of memories. My missing jacket can be replaced.

Sep 16, 2005

The one with the remote control day

I watched the TV for almost the whole day. I can go out & meet up some friends but I just felt like lying in the couch and letting my fingers flick the channels...

I'm bored with my job. Another phase I thought I've passed. I like it sometimes but there's this urge to quit when I'm tearing my hair apart with the issue at hand. I don't know. I guess it's part of the me who doesn't want to commit to anything. Being a CSR for a year is a miracle. I never wanted this in the first place...I'm still in the process of eliminating what I don't like doing before I can discover what I'd want to do with my life. Weird huh?

I easily get bored with routine so I need to constantly think of doing something to pass the time.

I'm tired of drinking in bars, smoking to death and meeting people I hardly know...I miss my friends from college. I miss talking to them about anything and everything. It's just different.

Life still sucks big time.

Sep 4, 2005

The one with the unexpected guy

What a night!

Who would've thought he'd be there with my friend? He was this stranger who I had a crush on when I arrived in the team.

He's this mysterious guy with the great smile on his face everytime he walked in my direction. My day seems to be brighter than ever when I see him in the office and then lo and behold he's with us on our barhopping last night!

I went with 2 close friends and then he brought HIM along. Whew! It was great. I knew he had a girlfriend from what my team mates told me but that didn't stop me from kissing him in the cheek when I was about to leave all of them. He even held my hand when I got near him and said he'll just get our numbers thru my friend.

Wow. That was one hell of a night. I'm not disappointed for coming although my heart was crushed to learn from my guy friend that he and his gf are engaged.

It didn't bother me one bit. I'm happy being friends w/ him. Knowing he is the guy I wanted really made it worth it. He has the singing voice, the sense of humor and the smarty brains. My instincts are at work. We're going out next week to play badminton somewhere with 2 of my friends.

I'm still smiling all the way home. =)

Aug 16, 2005

The one with the sigh

A sigh can mean a million things.

It could mean that you've lost a battle wherein the enemy is yourself. A good example would be making a mistake you're not aware of. It doesn't fit the word careless; it doesn't even come close to the word stupid.

It could mean putting an end to an intolerable cruelty. Keeping life simpler by shutting the whole world off, ignoring people who pass you by, staring into space and spending a perfect weekend alone.

It could mean pure bliss. Like sitting beside someone you barely knew but liked at first sight. You never talk about personal stuff but you know you're both aware of each other's presence.

It could mean controlled anger about to erupt any moment. When nothing seems to go right, this kind of sigh simply bursts into flame and burns anyone who dares to cross his/her way.

It could mean hopelessness. The kind that makes a person go crazy thinking of reasons to continue living. Or breathing.

It could mean complete freedom to do anything and everything at the same time. Then there goes the fact that almost nothing in this life is for free. There is a price for existing nowadays. If you can't meet the price, then you can't get the thing you want most.

It could mean you're missing someone-- and not even any other sighs can compare because this sigh goes a looong way. It has no specific time because the past, present and future are part of it. It has a life. This sigh is uncontrollable. You might want to stop all the other sighs, but this one lingers. The more you want it deleted out of your system, the more it shows.

Sighs are just complicated. That's why more often than not, I try not to.

Jul 28, 2005

The one with still looking

Still Looking...

...For Myself- Wanting to do a thing is a different than doing it. It takes all effort and time. Patience is one thing, determination is another. There are certain questions along the way that I kept trying to answer but I end up with a big fat blank. What ifs simply make my head spin.

...In Space- Breathe in. Breathe out. Sometimes being numb and tired is the way to go. Sometimes it doesn't work. Especially when you want it desperately. Like Murphy's Law. When you wanted to have a cab very badly, all the cabs seem to be trapped in traffic or in another planet.

...At Nameless People- Nobody cares most of the time. Discrimination is everywhere. Stereotyping is the "in" thing. I can count on my fingers who among the people I see will believe that a drabby looking man can count 1 to 100, knows how to use a computer and can speak another language. Most of them will not even glance in his direction. This world is becoming more cruel than I thought it would be.

...Forward To Meeting Mr. Right- When will I ever stop? My mind tells me to be logical and go out with anyone. My heart kept holding back and believing there's someone out there who'll pass my way if he's the right one. I don't need to find him in all the wrong places because we'll find each other. Uughh!!! what a hopeless romantic. I despise myself. Moving on, my brain still works because it directly goes to the part saying, you don't need someone to be happy. You need to be happy on your own before making someone else feel happy. Calling any mental institution----!

...and reaching a dead-end.

I'm tired of looking. If this is the stage where a 22-year-old dies of thinking too much, I am not surprised. Meaningless thoughts come to mind in silence and it's deafening. Same as talking to a stranger for the whole day makes you feel relaxed and peaceful. Somehow not being able to think has its advantages because it lessens the pain. It puts everything on hold for the moment until you're back in the real world to face it again. Then there you again and...

start looking.

Jun 25, 2005

The one with the rain

I love the rain. There's something about the coldness of the night that reminds me of countless memories of my life. Some I wish to reminisce and some I'd rather forget or both...
Let's start with the part I wish to forget:
I had a bad day. I was going home after work when this guy, a stranger, walked up to me and shared his umbrella. He didn't know that the rain comforts me. It's like the bestfriend I lost which comes back again and again when I need someone to be there when there's none. I don't care that my hair is dripping while they're comfortably dry with their umbrella. I don't care if my favorite bag is soaking wet and my 2-inch heeled shoes is about to slide in the pavement. I have the rain to embrace and wash away the sadness at that time.
I looked at him and thought to myself, "What a guy. Who would be kind enough to share an umbrella in this weather when everyone's rushing to go home and tackles everyone who dares to cut their way to the bus or taxi?" He did. He stopped and asked me if I wanted to share in his black umbrella. I was stunned. Speechless. I shook my wet head.
Darn. There goes my logical head. Don't talk to strangers. I noticed the feeling of rejection in him. He immediately rushed to get a ride on the next bus that stopped to avoid me. He must be thinking,"Go get wet. Who the hell cares?"
The snobbish me strikes again.
Okay, here's the part I kept remembering too.
College. My friend & I were in school and finally decided to go home after debating whether to go watch a movie or hang out at my place. We went ahead and ran in the rain towards my building. We didn't care that we're both soaking wet and that the wind kept blowing us back.
He was my 2nd longtime crush. The friend I can count on for all the ups and downs. I tell him almost anything under the sun. Once I even remembered asking him a weird question.
"Do you think I'm cold?" He just looked at me like I'm from Mars.
Then sincerely he answered, "No. It's just in your head." I don't know why but there's something in his eyes that I can't read.
I can just imagine him thinking, "Yeah you are. What's up with you? Why are you so cynical? Why are you such a man-hater? Not all men are two-timers and jerks."
I confided everything in him except the fact that I am falling for his stupidity, his corny jokes, his sarcasm, and most of all his thoughtfulness. I mean, why ruin the friendship? I'm young then; I didn't know I'd regret this for a long time until now.
We headed towards the lobby. While laughing, I noticed that he was looking at me differently. I asked him if I looked like crazy. He said it's nothing, it's just that my hair still looks great even though we got wet outside. I stared back at him with a puzzled look on my face.
Then the elevator opened and reality came back. He teased me about other stuff and forgot what he said entirely.
It's a cheesy moment. Something I wish to forget although it's happy. Because it doesn't matter how many times I replay that scene in my head.
The moment passed and the fact still remains that I never had the chance to tell him that once in my life I felt what it was like to be in love.

Jun 13, 2005

The one with quotes

-Quotes fr Rule of Four-
Posted by
I went out to the battlefield to see my tree and I couldn't
-Have you ever felt that sometimes you've done everything yet your efforts are useless? You keep smiling despite this big hole inside because whatever happens you don't want a certain person to know that he's affecting every part of your day or better yet ruining it without even uttering a single word. He's simply there; you're somewhere else-- but the effect lasts for a week. Or a month. Or a year.
I can't listen to music
-Every song you can hear in your computer, in the car, in a restaurant reminds you of a specific memory. As hard as you try to imagine erasing him in the hard drive of your dreams or during sleep, it kept popping out of nowhere. Leaving you awake all night, or worse - all day and night.
I feel like I'm dazed half the time
-It's nobody's fault but your own. You tossed and turned in bed but the unknown emotions kept returning. The more you try to push it away, the more it haunts you. You were left with no choice but to go over it again and again until you get tired of thinking. You fall asleep but the nightmare comes back when you wake up and all you can think of is: I should've confronted this long ago, but then again if would've been insane.

Jun 7, 2005

The one with Kwon Sang Woo

Kwon Sang Woo
Posted by Hello

Kwon Sang Woo played the role of every girl's dream man in Stairway To Heaven. He was the guy who was willing to give up everything for the girl he loves. He gave up his position as President of the company, his credit cards, his car and left his family to be with her. He 's the knight in shining armor riding the horse on his way to the castle to save her from the unknown dangers. (Just my overactive imagination at work)

Is his character in this TV series just a myth or reality?

Statistically, men who are most likely to grow up like him is between 1%-5%. Men who belong in this category have the possibility to change depending on the circumstances. Some of them might die. Few could be workaholics. The others can get some other girl pregnant. The rest could be gay.

Basically, this narrows it down to 1% among all of them who could potentially be the STH kind of guy.

I adore this guy. I would give up my so-called career to find him. Is it a sin to wish to find someone as simple as he is? I'm not asking for wealth or fame or's just a guy who knows how girls want to be treated. Someone who knows she's not too fragile to be left alone and not too strong to be on her own toes all the time.
Someone who would let her go if she yearns for freedom, who will hold on even if she lets go of his hands because he knows it's not the end until he lets go of her.

This could be the reason why I can't find the right one.

It's either I'm looking in all the wrong places or they're almost extinct.

May 31, 2005

The one with walking away

Posted by Hello

I was excited when I went home. I can rest at last. I woke up feeling the rush of doing all the things I had in mind. I started with a great dinner, some fresh air outside and then I plunged in cyber world. Only to be crushed when I saw his name once again on my screen.

I rememberthe last time I saw him...

We were having fun that day. I almost thought it's perfect after going through traffic and one hell of a day's work. It was worth it, no regrets. Suddenly, the mood shifted. He was listening as he always does best. It was just different. He was staring at me as if he's thinking of something far away.

I got disturbed by a call. Before I can even hung up on the caller, he walked away. He left me there. No, he deserted me. I tried to pose my most cheerful smile like nothing happened and it's the most normal thing to do on earth.

What he didn't know is that when I turned my back on him, I was crying inside. Behind all the laughter and the smile when I was with him was a fluke...because it was exactly the opposite of what I'm feeling inside. Seeing that he no longer has any idea of who I really am after all these years that we've been good friends made me realize that I didn't lose him that day.

I've lost the guy long ago. Walking away is just the drawing of the curtains.

May 25, 2005

The one with sunsets


I love sunsets. Some say it signifies sadness. Well, it could be true. I don't care.I still love sunsets.

The one with Carrie

Carrie Bradshaw
Sex and the City Posted by Hello

The one with Carrie 2

I've been watching Sex and the city earlier and it hit me. I envy Carrie. In times of tragic moments, she has friends she could call up any time who would scold and give her advice. I don't have Miranda, Charlotte or Samantha.
I have tons of friends. However, no one seems to be around when I need a shoulder to cry on. Everyone is busy and I don't have the heart to bother them with what's going on with my life when they have a life of their own to handle.
What is it with me? Why can't I solve my own problems? Does it come with being the youngest child that I always depend on others for good advice instead of finding my own answers by myself?
I'm singing with John Mayer's Love Song for No One, "I'm tired of being alone, so hurry up and get here..", I guess after sending messages to most of my friends and receiving none-I got my answer. As clear as the dark night surrounding me while I'm puffing my cigarette.
My life is a mess. I got sick yesterday. I'm so stressed with work. I'm fed up with these people who kept calling and treated me like trash. I'm not working to be underestimated and questioned like they're lawyers and I'm the guilty criminal under a trial. While answering their questions with all my mustered machine-tone voice to save some dignity.. I was thinking, I'm not in this job to receive insults and talk like a computer. I'm a person and if they can't figure it out, then it doesn't affect me in any way.
As much as I'd love to ignore them, it somehow gets inside my thick head. I easily get hurt and I can only imagine that the time will come when I'll get the call that will kick me out. My patience is at 90% now and if it reached's most likely that I'll resign before I ruin the next opportunity to get a good job.
I'd hate to do that. Quitting it's not in my system. My dad told me to reach at least a year to get a good recommendation but with what's happening, I'm on the verge of losing my sanity so when the right time comes, destiny will decide for me.
I love this job sometimes especially when I talk to old ladies who appreciate what I do. I feel like my head's above the clouds. The people I work with are very friendly but I've lost most of them because they're tired of not getting what they deserve in the company. After a year of working, they've reached their limit and decided it's time for them to move on.
My reasons for working include: Me, family, work itself and colleagues. I've erased me, colleagues (since most of them are gone) and work. The only thing left is my family. Is it enough to keep me going? I hope so...because I promised myself before I plunged in the corporate world that I will never stick with a job that doesn't make me happy. The least I could do is honor my own wishes. For myself. Right?

Apr 19, 2005

The one with giving up

I'm hopeless...I've drank almost all the medicine for cough and cold and I'm still sick!
I need to be well tomorrow or it's goodbye work! The funny thing is, I'm not so worried about losing work. I guess I've dragged myself to work every first day...I- didn't notice this happening.
I always get sick whenever I feel down. Maybe I was feeling a little lonely last week...but to have some flu for a week? This is ridiculous...I'm feeling more sad stuck at home.
I thought I'd be happy having a movie marathon with a bunch of chinovela cds my sister bought as my early birthday present. Or surf the internet, watch tv, eat/sleep all day...but I got bored.
I'm afraid I'm sinking in what is popularly known as depression.
Lord, help me.

Apr 15, 2005

The one with casino

The whole family went to the casino...And nobody won.

Well, we're proud losers. Unlike what others might say, it's not about winning. It's not about the money either. I mean it's not everyday that we go out together...

I sacrificed my work for this day. I've been absent for the sole purpose of recovering-my voice. Got sore throat so I wouldn't be able to argue with non-stop callers. I had this last minute idea to just go out with them since I don't want to be stuck at home alone.

I felt guilty of course, and a bit regretful for spending more than a thousand for a silly game of dice but hey, I enjoyed it. I usually go out with friend and spend more but it's rare that I felt contented when I go home. There's always something missing while I'm lying in bed and going over what happened on that day.

My parents left this morning and I'm like...Okay, back to being alone. At least, I made them happy for a few hours in the wee hours of the morning...It's the first time we spent the whole night out spending thousands for nothing. It's not even for a funeral or any occasion that needs to be celebrated.

It's like a reunion that was not planned. Weird huh. Parents who tolerate gambling. Not's more like encourage gambling. Lol...Yeah, that's my family.

I'm surely going to remember this day for life.

Apr 2, 2005

The one with realizations

Realization #1
I've never felt THIS ALONE.
I've always felt alone but never this suffocating, horrible, sick feeling of dying alone.

Realization #2
I miss him.
As much as I hate to admit it, the hate I felt for him grew in me. It yearns to unleash itself and if not towards will definitely be directed to an innocent person.

Realization #3
Not all my friends are real FRIENDS.
I can just count on my fingers who are keeping in touch...who replies to my text messages, who cares if I'm still alive, who calls me even if they don't need anything from me. Reflects a lot about me. Geez, I thought I've been a good friend.

Realization #4
I'm getting old.
One more month and I'm going ballistic. Sucks feeling mature when I'm not.

Realization #5
Career is going nowhere.
I almost walked out of the office the other day when the computer crashed while I'm dealing w/ a customer. What the hell am I supposed to do? Cry for unavailable resources?'s a lot easier to just walk away...but grrrr...I didn't. Pride pulled me back. I hate myself. I could've escaped the damn prison of hellish work.

Realization #6
Planning to quit.
Wait it's almost the same as #5...ok so this one is a blank future ahead of me. Congratulations.

Realization #7
I've been away from home for more than 3 months and I felt guilty for living a separate life. Go on say it, I'm selfish.

Realization #8
I want to change my life. A makeover. Is there such a thing as complete makeover? To be more specific: mental, emotional,physical and spiritual makeover?

Realization #9
More and more people prove to be a fake. They have this thick disguise that spells false all over themselves. And sometimes I'm one of them! (because I don't know how to handle knowing they're all fakes. Is it my fault if I'm perceptive?More like pessimistic nowadays.)

Realization #10
I'm sad. (sigh)
There are more than 10 reasons to be sad. Not just for myself but for others. Watching the TV makes it even worse.

Thinking of going to work gives me a headache...I wish I can just wake up and everything's just a dream. Or something else.

Mar 11, 2005

The one with the song

Early this morning, I bumped into a guy. De ja vu. Like it happened before...or I knew him which doesn't fit logically because it's the first time I saw him.

The song Loves Moves in Mysterious Ways became my LSS for the whole day amidst the terrible turn of events around me. Calls kept coming like there's no tomorrow, coach is missing, manager was desperately trying to help, people were busy as hell and so on...

I felt like I'm alone in the world. Everyone was going with the rotation of the earth while I'm going against it and just watching in the background.

I've always felt that way. Simply looking at my surroundings-- in the background.

Not happy nor sad. Weird really but I don't feel anything at all.

Surprisingly, I've been robbed of all emotions. It's a first on a FRIDAY.

Mar 6, 2005

The one with guilt

It's one of the emotions I rarely feel yet leaves a great impact in me.

Today had been one of them. My team mates and I were about to leave work and excited to have our day off when all of a sudden, our coach cries in front of us. She released some of the tension that had been brewing for a few weeks. She was hurt when the result of the evaluation reached her. Some of us gave her very low scores and she felt betrayed because no one confided in her about any issues or problems we have with her to deserve such backstabbing remarks (which nobody meant to happen since she's not there most of the time when we need her).

Who wouldn't do what we've done when we're sitting our butts for 10 or 11 hours of work and she's not there to join us in our misery? She said she'll accept it if she's deserving of that kind of treatment.

Guilt probably creeped into her veins after we received tons of praise from the managers for a great performance and making it in the top 6 in the whole center. It puzzled him that it goes without saying that we did it all without our coach's help. (which is true)

I remember the good times we had at the tent. The days when we smoke our lungs to death from stress. We chatted about almost everything, shared the books we read and gave each other pats in the back when we're sad or had done a good job. However, those are personal matters.

I believe she's been a good friend but in terms of being a coach, it's an entirely different matter.

The littlest things count. It's not just the unnecessary compliments that she shower over us or the laughs we shared over work but the simple thing of being there for us even if it means not taking our sup calls. We would really appreciate if she stuck with us through those times when we feel like banging our heads on the wall for impossible-to-please customers.

By the way, I never got the position. Neither did my friend Aileen. I'm happy to stay in the team but what's happening right now brings me to another long would I last in this job this time?

I've had doubts over this when I got in. I'm not the type who can commit for a long time. I'm afraid of commitments.

I'm having a hard time dealing with guilt so that's it for now.

Feb 25, 2005

The one with rc

I had my interview for a new position in my current company. Let's call it the quest for the "unknown".
Because no one in this world would apply for a position they don't have a clue on. Well, I only know about the position but the one thing that comes after that...I am completely clueless.
I'm totally nuts.
3 days of torture before the results come out for the next big step or failure of my life.
Who cares if I make it or not?
I simply took a chance.
Exactly what I told the manager who had been my interviewer earlier.
He asked me, "Why did you choose RC of all other positions to apply for?"
The silly little me took over, "I just took a chance. I wanted to explore a new field."
Huh. Searching for the correct answer...file not found.
I bet that's where his big brains went after I blurted out my stupid answer.
It's the coldest department in the world. My friend & I were the only ones who passed fr our team and we were trying to get eye contact with anyone there but we received zero stare.
Now, what got into my head to apply for such a high-paying (not yet sure...heard there's no OT pay) but out-of-this-world job description which treat employees like slaves for working 13 hours per day (as he subtly mentioned to discourage me)?
Well, maybe I was meant to be there simply because I'm cold deep deep down.
No idea.
Anyone kill me now for making a drastic decision.

Feb 18, 2005

The one with the guy I never had

I love it when you come in and without even looking I knew from the pit of my stomach that it's you.

I love it when you say my name…I’m no longer invisible…I felt like I’ve been brought back to life.

I love it when you look at me like the words I say are the most interesting stories ever told.

I love it when you smile, I feel responsible for your happiness.

I love it when you frown, as you're naturally smart..I'm making you think for a change.

I love it when you say "see yah" because you hate goodbyes…

But I said goodbye the last time we saw each know why?
[Because you never told me the truth about what happened years ago.]

I hate you for not knowing how you hurt me in the worst possible way
...but I hate myself more…because I still care after all.

Feb 2, 2005

The one with work

I always have this urge to go back to bed instead of going to work. Who wouldn’t? Especially on a Friday. Why on earth did I even agree to this farce? They say having a regular job is 10% hard work and 90% commitment. Commitment my ass.

I’m sacrificing my eyes for people who put me down on every word I say. I’m just there to help and I’m the bad guy. Geez…If only I can find an alternative decent work which doesn’t require to shout once a week and get your blood pressure to rise like a volcano about to erupt. I know this is not the way to live. It’s supposed to be “If I can do better than this, I would…” Reality check: no job would still pay me this much.

Money is not my priority but somehow it’s a heavy part of the equation. Getting a degree and graduating should’ve been the hard part; my parents didn’t warn me about sticking to a job that makes you sick. I love my job sometimes when I get calls that require me to think and give out my own opinion for a change. Well, that’s me…Miss Opinionated. Most of the time it’s the memorized scripts that almost make me believe I’m not human.
“I’m a robot, PEOPLE…treat me like one; don’t waste your saliva complaining over my stupid reasons. I’m paid to read every line!”

I’m tired of starving myself to death and then there’s the big surprise:they’re close on Sundays or they don’t have an edible meal during weekends. Some kinda BS.

Anyway, no matter how many bad words I can come up with it wouldn’t change. For the sake of the so-called dedication and commitment, fine I’ll go to work.
Posted by Hello

Jan 29, 2005

The one with the woman’s voice

Woman: “I’m crippled, you know, but my husband tried his best to make me happy in spite of my condition.”

Me: “I’m so sorry about what happened. You’re so lucky to have him.”

How many people had found someone as good as this man? One in a million, right? I felt envious of this woman who had touched me most during all the calls I’ve had today. She cried before we ended the call & told me she appreciated all that I’ve done. I’ve never experienced this joy since I’ve worked in a call center.

Every time I go to work, it resembles some kind of dooms day. Like I’m going to die before the day ends due to extreme flow of emotions which consists of anger, impatience, self-pity, envy, sadness all at the same time.

Who loves his/her job anyway? Maybe 4 out of 10. It doesn’t really matter. The most important thing that I’ve learned today is when you set the right mood, keep priorities straight and focus on the goal instead of being too self-absorbed; I can withstand any avalanche of terrible callers in 8 hours.

All of the realizations aside, I can’t help but see that I’m more crippled than her. She was open-minded, brave, strong and caring. I can walk but I’ll never walk in the same path that she had passed. She’s having problems regarding money & I am financially stable…but she’s richer than I am. She has the most wonderful and loving husband who was there for her. I, on the other hand, don’t have anyone. Never had anyone.

I used to think I’m heartless. I used to think I don’t need anyone. She made me glance in love in a different way. I guess sometimes you just wake up …and see the world in a different light. It may be too bright on first glance but once you look straight at it, the world looks better.

I wish this woman knows how much she had changed me. She’s more powerful than she could ever imagine.