The one with the neverending introduction

FIRST DAY AT WORK...

1) Shake hands.

-So this is what it feels like to run for mayor or congressman. Fat hands, skeleton hands, macho hands, boxer hands, construction-worker hands, iron-grip hands and play-dead hands. Whew. I thought it would never end. After circling the 27th floor, the HR brought me to 19th floor for the IT people. I thought it's the end of the introduction fever but I was dead wrong. Young and old, with and without hair touched my cold hands on both floors. I shook hands with more than 50 people for my first day at work today. I only remembered one or two names out of all of them.

Lesson Learned: Never underestimate the power of shaking hands.

2) Smile.

-I felt like cameras are flashing everywhere. I can't stop smiling after meeting one employee to another. It's difficult not to especially when they say first impressions last so why not make myself look good to have a lasting effect? Wow. Being a celebrity definitely is not my cup of tea if they do it more than an hour each day for photoshoots.

Lesson Learned: Practice smiling in front of the mirror each day because you'll never know when you'll need it!

3) Nice meeting you.

-I must have uttered those 3 words for a hundred times today other than Hi and repeating the person's name to easily memorize them. It's kind of being back to Kindergarten when you're trying to remember the alphabet in your head.

Lesson Learned: Look at the bright side at all times. You'll never know if that person you once met will help you open the locked restroom when you forget those damn codes especially when you were entering the code from a different floor. Angels surely do exist!

4) It's raining men.

-Literally and figuratively. I actually thought there's more female than the male population. Guess not. There were more men today especially in our department. Due to the overpopulation of the male species, I forgot to bring my umbrella when I got out for lunch which drowned me like a rat on my way out and back to work. 

Lesson Learned: Do not forget to bring umbrella. Men are still men, regardless of the weather. Do not expect someone to offer their umbrella just because you forgot to bring yours!

5) Early out.

-Miracles still happen in real life! My new boss allowed me to go home 1.5 hours early and then advised me to come to work by 7:30 a.m. instead of the regular 9:00 a.m. shift. 

Lesson Learned: Good things happen to those who wait although sometimes there's a catch!

The one with tips on how to waste time effectively

When you're in-between jobs and bored to the point of getting a bad haircut while losing your sanity, there are several ways to waste time effectively which will surely be worth your while instead of thinking about the guy who made your life miserable:

1) Do all the laundry including the neat folding and organized piling in your oh-so-not-too-crowded closet. 

2) Wash all the dirty dishes even the glasses that you cannot remember who used that have been staring you in the face everyday in the kitchen counter.

3) Throw all the trash from the bin that the ants have been using which includes free accommodation as well as meals (breakfast, lunch and dinner!).

4) Change your bedsheets that have not been arranged to its original splendor since he moved out to avoid having flashbacks of that blurry past when he used it to pile up his stuff to organize them in his luggage.

5) Talk to yourself for as long as it takes for more convincing effect that life has been perfect before him so how can it not be back to its previous happy-go-lucky state? And why not do this while catching up on the soap opera you've missed out on during your busy schedule with tons of overtime at work? This is your ticket to tears in heaven and that definitely helps in the moving on department.

6) Sing your heart out-- especially since you're all alone and no once can hear you go out of tune. Neighbors might complain every now and then but who cares? You might as well sing a song from a different language so they wouldn't understand a word of it.

7) Eat your own cooked meals. Prepare the ones you've never dreamed of cooking. Believe me, miracles do happen in the kitchen for as long as you have the passion for it.

8) Clean the house until you've removed all the dust that has been hiding on every corner. The vacuum cleaner will be your best friend plus you'll get a free exercise without the help of a trainer!

9) Remember all the bills that has been placed here and there? Put them in one place in alphabetical order in case you need to scan any statement in the future. This should ensure that you wouldn't need to hire an investigator to go search for that one important bill that is just under your nose.

10) Call anyone that you haven't talked to in a long time and catch up. Friends and family would appreciate the thought, trust me. Your feeling of emptiness would instantly be erased after you hear your Mom's never-ending gossips about the neighbors back home and your Dad's non-stop advice which would not be complete without his own share of success stories.

Nothing can go wrong, of course, without a little time to pray and share with God about your daily happenings despite all the busy chores. It wouldn't hurt to tell Him how grateful you are for all the immediate help you get daily without even asking for it. 

He delivers them right on time whenever and wherever you are when you least expect them. It's not your lucky stars or your newly cut nails that made it happen. It's all because of Him so don't forget to say a little prayer before going to bed with a smile that you've accomplished all these.

The one with eyes

Eyes.Sad.Lost.Pathetic.

Eyes.Curious.Glance.Meaningful.Questions.Unanswered.Silence.Sigh.

Eyes.Happy.Stories.No.TV.Yes.Life.Yours.Naah.Talk.Shallow.Pretensions.Unbearable.

Eyes.Surprised.Love.Never.Sip.Puff.Floating.Liquor.Drink.Again.Uncomfortable.

Eyes.Hatred.Friends.End.Strangers.Definitely.Unbelievable.

Eyes.Weary.Weird.Straightened.Slouched.Read.Turn.Sleep.

Eyes.Closed.Dream.You.Uggh.Shoot.Great.Ridiculous.Spare.Me.

Eyes.You.Me.Together?Unpredictable.Impossible.


Dying.

End.Life.Singapore.

Move.Out.

Soon.

Hopefully.

Please?

The one with the brain & heart

Have you ever encountered an emotion so deep it made you sleepless and bothered because you cannot identify what it is? 

I thought this will only happen when someone passes away. Death is a very sensitive topic that only a few dare to speak of it. Why not? All of us will eventually meet our own end and we should be prepared for it. We can only be confident in facing it if we have assured ourselves that leaving will be a smooth process for the ones we will leave behind but then again, no death can ever be smooth no matter how long and how much we prepare for it.

Anyway, this post is not merely about death. It's about living. I never imagined that even in the midst of an illness, a person can still have enough stamina to accomplish several tasks thrown at him or her. However, when a person reaches its unexpected limit, all the energy gets sucked right out and the person ends up drained-lifeless. In other words, this proved that emotional illness is more powerful than any physical illness. Maybe this is the reason that doctors advise of the famous quote, "Laughter is the best medicine."

My question is: Do we purposely allow ourselves to get hurt because we're enjoying it subconsciously or do we manifest some kind of hurt magnet and intentionally absorb all kinds of pain until we can no longer receive any and then our hearts become stone-like to the point of functioning only for the purpose of pumping blood to the rest of the body parts? 

I am a very complicated person. I tend to get attached to certain subjects unconsciously although the brain commands a logical advice that kept whispering it's impossible and most definitely a coincidence. The heart insisted on pushing to dwell on the impossible because the emotions dominate the throne dictating the body to pursue the subject with utmost care because it continues to believe in fate and destiny. Meanwhile, the body is more confused than ever in terms of decision-making. Who does it follow? The brain which provides the most complex information but has the reasonable explanations or the heart which depends on the intuitive powers of discerning reality from fantasy?

I'm extremely tired but I cannot sleep. Doing laundry to waste time. Maybe I'll make more sense once I have gained my old self back OR once I've regained my constant wish: (drum rolls please) 

~~~uninterrupted 8 hours of sleep. (^_^)

The one with my birthday

Grateful. Yes, I truly am. For everyone that I have met, got acquainted with and have become great friends with in my 29 years of life on earth.

Being 29 and having experienced the roller coasters of my insane life has been one hell of a ride. It has been funny most of the time but I must admit it's been fun in a weird way. We never really know when we will turn a year older than we are until we hear people say them out loud and then we realize it's not an imagination anymore.

Aging is one thing but adding another year to your age in the resume or identification card is another. It's a sickening feeling of dread for me. Especially when one would look at my status and sees the screaming word that spells S-I-N-G-L-E. Yes, I'm one of the highest contributors in our tax funds yearly for the entire country. I'm sure the government is receiving quite a huge amount of money straight from my pocket. You're welcome.

There were several greetings that were unexpected and expected since 12 midnight and the list goes on. I decided to put my phone to be charged and ignore Facebook for a while. I've had enough greetings to last a lifetime and I'm not sure if I am deeply happy knowing that people have my timeline in their heads. 

Then there's M. A HS friend who's been bugging me recently for his incoherent explanations. He is a friend and I've never looked at him differently except now that the clock is ticking, I am beginning to think differently. I kept asking myself, "If he were to be the last man on earth, would you like to spend the rest of your life with him?"

The answer is clearly a NO. Make it bold, italicized and underlined. Except that when he asked me about his chances in case he'll court me I gave him an "I don't know". It's the truth at the time. Really. It only got messed up when another guy came back from nowhere and started making his presence known again. Uggh. Complicated. Please stop my imagination from going overboard again. I beg you.

Other than the fact that he's too far (US) and LDR is not my thing, I don't feel any spark or even a hint of electricity flowing in my body for him. He is a nice guy though. I'm sure he'll be a great boyfriend because he respects women, has a caring soul and has a sense of humor but he's not my type. Considering his current financial status, I should be giving him a chance but I'm not the kind of girl who looks at bank accounts to have a stomach-fluttering feeling. No, I am the girl who simply goes with her gut.

My housemate advised me to give him a chance. She even replied to some of his messages in Viber saying I might develop feelings for him. Who knows? His exact words. I like straight-to-the-point men. He was. Kinda. It was just too late for me. If he said everything he wanted to say in the past, we might have had a chance because I was naive and gullible then. Not anymore.

Again, this is my mind rambling the random idiotic thoughts that cannot stop itself from coming out. It's exploding and I can no longer keep it inside for fear of losing my own sanity. I am mad. Mad with the world for putting me in my current state. I am in the same bedroom with the man I never liked from the start but kept confusing me over and over again who's causing a lot of sleepless days. I am mad with Fate for messing up with time and allowing M to tell me the oh-so-late confession this week right before my birthday! Why did he have to tell me that he wanted to court me but ended up with my friend because I left when he arrived in the Philippines? Why did he have to call me this stupid name-BULA (bubble)?! 

He even asked me not to disappear from him again which was odd since I was never his to begin with. I was never anyone's girl so can he cut the crap and move on? He is bugging me again with his nonsense messages of greetings (e.g. good morning, how are you?) but he didn't even remember my birthday! My room mate remembered to greet me this morning when he came home from work but most likely it's because of the endless posts in Facebook.

Don't get me wrong. Yes, I am so grateful for everything. Including the people who are making my days worse by asking me to buy them take-away from a not-so-far stall from work (even when it's raining) right before my evening starts at work. Okay, so my freshness diminished by a few inches due to the unique aroma of the place sticking to my shower-fresh clothes. Anyway, who cares? Nothing cannot be fixed by a few perfume sprays.

I am grateful because I learned more about myself with every experience. Except that it makes me go crazy sometimes. There are days when I reach home and felt like peeling all the apples in the fridge or cleaning the kitchen from too much frustration. I want to scream "Stop!" to catch my breath because it's becoming too much to handle at the same time but I don't want to end up in Changi prison so I keep my mouth shut. 

I am just 29 for goodness' sake! Give me a break. Let me live my life in peace for a day in a year. Like today perhaps since it's my birthday? 

The one with the new me

We often wonder, how far can we go? What would be the greatest obstacle in my life that would stop me from pursuing my dreams? Is it time, work or money? How about all of the above?

I wish it was that simple. My life has been nothing but a roller coaster lately. My disheveled appearance at work may spell "shit" but being tangled into a chaotic scenario is nothing compared to how I look these days. Yes, I've cut my hair into the anime-like style but it's flipping here and there when the sun rises plus my eyeglasses equals a psycho me. My memory lapses are increasing especially yesterday when my colleague was asking me to bring a document to her and I forgot what it is in a matter of seconds upon reaching the desk.

I mean c'mon, what is wrong with me? THIS is the best reason not to let your heart wander where it should not go because the brain gets left behind. My mind gets cluttered too much that the rest of mankind becomes non-existent and La-la land is a stone's throw away.

I am a mess. I watched "Unofficially Yours" online and I'm drowning in tears. When JL mentioned to AL this line, "Tama ka. Wala akong karapatang masaktan kasi hindi naman tayo", I was surprised because it was my line to myself from the last couple of months. I didn't even notice I was crying. Good thing the lights are out and my sister is still asleep. 

So I have a heart. Right. I thought I lost it when I was on my way back to Singapore. Isn't it enough that he broke my heart without knowing it? He had to repeat it over and over again and then play his stupid songs in my face like he has feelings for me. He had to look me in the eye and then keep silent while observing in the background. He had to pretend he's asleep and then mention my name in the dark like he's concerned about me. He had to go to his friend's place overseas all of a sudden and then forget to say goodbye. 

You know what the worst part is? These past few days made me see how much of a fool I am. Waiting for him is like waiting for the needle to drop in a haystack which is synonymous to Dora finding Nemo on the same show.

Maybe I am assuming. Or maybe I misinterpreted the signals and jumped to the wrong conclusions. Or maybe I was too bored with my life and he's the only guy I keep seeing that I developed this "thing" between us which happens to be non-existent. Okay, it's probably a one-sided attraction brought about by an almost extinct social life. Exactly.

For what it's worth, he must have been sent from above to let me know I can care for someone. Enough to lose my mind when I don't see him. Enough to wish he'll be happy even if it's not with me. Enough to pretend I'm okay when he's around although I'm dying inside because he cares for someone else. Enough to accept my pathetic behavior that I absolutely abhor to the core of my being. 

Yes. I. am. pathetic. This is the new me. *vomits*

Not really. The new me will soon forget about the guy with no balls (as my long-time friend told me) and move on to the next guy who will come along even if she doesn't like him. 

This must be the so-called rebound. Except we were never in a relationship. It has a sting to it that sounds disgusting but if that's the only way to forget about him then I'm willing to do this.There's no turning back now since I already gave my number to this HS friend who suddenly decided to make his presence known again.

I'll have to wait and see. 

I am never going to be Dora. 

I'm not going to search for a needle. Thank you very much.

The one with lawyer mode and last day at work =(

After being hooked to the TV series Suits, I was more than tempted to transform myself to a Mike Ross when facing the boss of my headhunter to deal with the case of Little Red Ridinghood (Me) vs. the Big Bad Wolf. I was wearing a green sweater to make myself look more like a money-grubbing bitch in the wolf's eyes or to make it sound nicer--fine--hopeful? Yes, in appearance at least.

It might have been nicer if I was wearing a suit myself to play the part that I want to portray but I had to settle with the black top and slacks to appear as if I brought bullets with me. The Wolf started the supposed-to-be-one-on-one hearing with a "What is the problem?" to scare me. Oh right I should be scared right?Sorry but I'm too hungry and my stomach's growling too loudly for me to notice the fear creeping up my spine. I told my long story in 2-3 sentences and then he interrupted me with a call from his cellphone. Okay, so he's playing the "I'm too busy to deal with this matter" trick. Without a breath, as soon as he ended the call, I laid the contract on his desk to request for an explanation about a few lines for the Notice period with an innocent and curious tone. Testing the waters this way would give me a hint if he will budge a little or not. 

The wolf is indeed bad because he was too firm to even start an argument. He was too sure that the final judgment will be on his court. Oh no. I don't have a memory gap when it comes to bonuses. When the quit claim form was printed out for me, I insisted on editing it for my own peace of mind because it doesn't clearly state the facts.

He even mentioned a few taunting words such as "Trust us, trust us." I said I do but I need to have it written on the document. I am a woman I know but I had enough of people treating me like a weakling who doesn't have an inkling what a treacherous wolf looks like. Unfortunate for him that I learned it not so long ago and this woman is no longer putting up with this kind of crap. I may look kind and innocent but not anymore. 

I am tired of being treated as such and I showed him that I can play his game too.

I am saddened by the idea of ending my laidback job wherein I can take lunch and breaks any time I'd like to or get late for work without any sermon for breakfast from my boss as long as I get the job done. It is a first for me to work at a company that allows me to relax as much as I'd want to although there's still pressure on the deadlines but they redefined the meaning of a job for me. For that alone, I am eternally grateful to them for allowing me to experience such grandeur in the corporate world that I never even dreamed of stepping into, let alone being a part of. 

In a world where I exist like a needle in a haystack in the unemployment market, the future looks very uncertain. Somehow, I am hopeful. I have no idea where it came from but somewhere along the road, I've met people that rescue me from my current dilemma that I started wondering if angels have been sent from heaven to help my damsel-in-distress days. During the most crucial moments of my life, there are always people who showered me with constant support and guidance that I didn't feel alone. If this is a test, I am glad I encountered it because this experience made me see the people I've been ignoring lately who should've been given enough attention. I know I am selfish; I am all that and more but I do not regret what happened in the past that led me to this road. As my boss from work always asks me that I will remember at all times whenever I mention that the migrations are queuing, "Did you learn something from it?"

I will miss him. Especially my colleague and friend who gave me a free meal after being ditched from work earlier by my ever-heartless boss who didn't have the time to pretend I matter to her for even a minute of her very busy day. Even the colleague I rarely speak with made an act of being sad because I'm leaving and she didn't even move a single muscle. I think my purpose for being there was to show her that amidst all the cruelty shown to another being, if it will be reciprocated with genuine kindness, the other person still has a chance of viewing life in a different light. 

I was defeated in this aspect, yes, but hopefully I get an opportunity to speak to her tomorrow and let her know that I never had any negative feelings towards her although my friend and I had fun discussing our everyday encounters with her.

I will also miss the intern guy who always managed to capture my attention during boredom days when I had nothing better to do but watch the passersby in my station. He kept me company without even knowing it, believe me. I've seen him several times in the pantry and also in the hallways yesterday and it was enough memory to store in the next few days that I'll be making my way to the next adventure of a lifetime. Too bad he's a kid, this is just another hands-off in my vocabulary.

Lastly, I'll miss the staff assistant that I initially thought was a nuisance for all the non-stop chatter and sponge-like gossip mode who turns out to be a good friend. Unfortunately, time flew by too fast that I didn't get to know more about her as a friend should. Well, again as my boss had said- at least I learned a lot from this. This will probably be my motto from now on. 

The one with a thousand years

All of us go through a phase- admit it or not, we all have sides of us that we are prepared to share with everyone else but sometimes we have aspects of our lives that we'd prefer to keep by ourselves. As they say, all secrets are meant to be known sooner or later. But again, it depends on how fate plans to surprise us. 

This afternoon was a roller coaster of emotions for me. I used to be one of the shy, timid, predictable girls from the province and I turned into a loud, insensitive and sarcastic bitch. I don't understand it but I must admit that it was a refreshing change. I became the exact opposite of who I was in my teens although I still have some values left here and there. Time has brought me to the moment when I slightly understood myself. I finally accepted that  we  developed and gained certain behaviors for our own benefits. 

Learning about yourself is probably one of the most difficult tests we need to undergo in life. I'm glad I have grasped some of that before I turn 30 or I'd still be groping in the dark for an identity.

Anyway, I listened to the song "A Thousand Years" by Christina Perri and something in me was dumbfounded with awe and disbelief. After laughing like a lunatic earlier with my housemates, my emotions switched to confusion then I felt teardrops forming in my eyes. Is this me? Am I really going to cry when any moment someone might come inside the shared room? No. My brain told me to stop. It did. But the feeling stayed like a shadow, waiting to be noticed. 

Hopefully jogging will cure this. It's my only solution when my brain is in the mood to go on auto-pilot and I can't seem to control it. I need to clear my head big time. I need to breathe. Tomorrow's another day but I'll be okay by then. Right?

The one with stuck

Due to the incidents today, the Christmas spirit gone and the inner chaos going on at home-- I'll be delaying the continuation of my previous post about Christmas Day. 

What a day. I woke up early to clean up the left-over mess from the drinking session on New Year's eve. Oops I didn't wake up because of that. It's because I need to do the regular bladder duties and my stomach started complaining from dehydration.

Once I started clearing the plates, I was on a roll so I wiped all the teeny bits of food stuck inside the microwave then moved on to the stove and the rest of the unit. With the background music by Adele, Colbie Caillat, Jason Reeves and E. Yamin, there was a synchronized rhythm through my movements that I didn't feel even a moment of exhaustion. My little concert continued in the bathroom and I was lost in my own little world where I was forever replaying scenes from last night and previous nights. AGAIN.

Let's move on because the "thinking" part is so lame. Mind over matter. Tired. Tired. Tired. Erase thinking during sleeping hours, idle time and bathroom breaks.

Anyway, my gay housemate (R) brought several friends at home for a drinking session just now. I am certainly not in the mood for another one. First, I got a stiff neck due to an uncomfortable position I've slept last night. Second, the supposedly foursome drinking session became a threesome event because he was online in Skype most of the time. What is the point of drinking with an invisible companion? Third, he asked permission from my sister and my housemate. Not from me. 

So my opinion doesn't count anymore. Great. Thank you so much for making me realize that my consent doesn't really matter when bringing in friends. I don't really mind. A courtesy or consideration on the matter would have sufficed. Lo and behold--Zip. Zilch. Nada.

I got upset for a few moments but I recovered after listening to random songs in YouTube. That's me. Fixed by music. Tomorrow is another day. I will feel better. The patience antidote hasn't gone through its normal operating hours and the anger management department is still on the works but it'll improve in time.

Life is short. It's been far too long that I've been stuck in this hole. Being kind and nice had been a label I've hated since a kid although most people think it's a positive thing. Well, not to me. I refuse to be described in 2 adjectives because they do not know me. 

I can also get mad when the need arises. I can be blunt when the wrong button is pressed. I can be a bitch when treated wrongly. I can be too silent when too upset because of my fear to speak negative words that I'll regret afterwards. I can laugh like a mad woman when I'm too happy and at the same time, cry like a baby if I was moved by a song, movie or situation. 

All of us have our own distinct qualities that make us different from others. This makes us perfectly imperfect because we compliment others by this lack of characteristic or behavior. We are all special in our own ways because of our varying emotions and reactions to situations; otherwise, we're no different to electronic gadgets invented by scientists who constantly do routine tasks.

I am grateful with the experiences of 2011 because I became a stronger and wiser person. I am thankful for the great friends I've known who stuck by me through thick and thin, parents who remained by my side despite my daily dose of psychotic moments and the new people who affected my life in more ways than they can possibly know in this lifetime.

This year, "stuck" will never be a hindrance. I will continue to dig a hole and escape the contained space that fate will throw in my face. No one finds the destination without bruises and going through so much hurdle last year taught me that. This path is about to get bumpy but I am ready to face it. As for "stuck"- I'll eat it for breakfast.