Apr 19, 2005

The one with giving up

I'm hopeless...I've drank almost all the medicine for cough and cold and I'm still sick!
I need to be well tomorrow or it's goodbye work! The funny thing is, I'm not so worried about losing work. I guess I've dragged myself to work every first day...I- didn't notice this happening.
I always get sick whenever I feel down. Maybe I was feeling a little lonely last week...but to have some flu for a week? This is ridiculous...I'm feeling more sad stuck at home.
I thought I'd be happy having a movie marathon with a bunch of chinovela cds my sister bought as my early birthday present. Or surf the internet, watch tv, eat/sleep all day...but I got bored.
I'm afraid I'm sinking in what is popularly known as depression.
Lord, help me.

Apr 15, 2005

The one with casino

The whole family went to the casino...And nobody won.

Well, we're proud losers. Unlike what others might say, it's not about winning. It's not about the money either. I mean it's not everyday that we go out together...

I sacrificed my work for this day. I've been absent for the sole purpose of recovering-my voice. Got sore throat so I wouldn't be able to argue with non-stop callers. I had this last minute idea to just go out with them since I don't want to be stuck at home alone.

I felt guilty of course, and a bit regretful for spending more than a thousand for a silly game of dice but hey, I enjoyed it. I usually go out with friend and spend more but it's rare that I felt contented when I go home. There's always something missing while I'm lying in bed and going over what happened on that day.

My parents left this morning and I'm like...Okay, back to being alone. At least, I made them happy for a few hours in the wee hours of the morning...It's the first time we spent the whole night out spending thousands for nothing. It's not even for a funeral or any occasion that needs to be celebrated.

It's like a reunion that was not planned. Weird huh. Parents who tolerate gambling. Not tolerate...it's more like encourage gambling. Lol...Yeah, that's my family.

I'm surely going to remember this day for life.

Apr 2, 2005

The one with realizations

Realization #1
I've never felt THIS ALONE.
I've always felt alone but never this suffocating, horrible, sick feeling of dying alone.

Realization #2
I miss him.
As much as I hate to admit it, the hate I felt for him grew in me. It yearns to unleash itself and if not towards him...it will definitely be directed to an innocent person.

Realization #3
Not all my friends are real FRIENDS.
I can just count on my fingers who are keeping in touch...who replies to my text messages, who cares if I'm still alive, who calls me even if they don't need anything from me. Reflects a lot about me. Geez, I thought I've been a good friend.

Realization #4
I'm getting old.
One more month and I'm going ballistic. Sucks feeling mature when I'm not.

Realization #5
Career is going nowhere.
I almost walked out of the office the other day when the computer crashed while I'm dealing w/ a customer. What the hell am I supposed to do? Cry for unavailable resources? Naah..it's a lot easier to just walk away...but grrrr...I didn't. Pride pulled me back. I hate myself. I could've escaped the damn prison of hellish work.

Realization #6
Planning to quit.
Wait it's almost the same as #5...ok so this one is a blank future ahead of me. Congratulations.

Realization #7
I've been away from home for more than 3 months and I felt guilty for living a separate life. Go on say it, I'm selfish.

Realization #8
I want to change my life. A makeover. Is there such a thing as complete makeover? To be more specific: mental, emotional,physical and spiritual makeover?

Realization #9
More and more people prove to be a fake. They have this thick disguise that spells false all over themselves. And sometimes I'm one of them! (because I don't know how to handle knowing they're all fakes. Is it my fault if I'm perceptive?More like pessimistic nowadays.)

Realization #10
I'm sad. (sigh)
There are more than 10 reasons to be sad. Not just for myself but for others. Watching the TV makes it even worse.

Thinking of going to work gives me a headache...I wish I can just wake up and everything's just a dream. Or something else.