May 4, 2012

The one with my birthday

Grateful. Yes, I truly am. For everyone that I have met, got acquainted with and have become great friends with in my 29 years of life on earth.

Being 29 and having experienced the roller coasters of my insane life has been one hell of a ride. It has been funny most of the time but I must admit it's been fun in a weird way. We never really know when we will turn a year older than we are until we hear people say them out loud and then we realize it's not an imagination anymore.

Aging is one thing but adding another year to your age in the resume or identification card is another. It's a sickening feeling of dread for me. Especially when one would look at my status and sees the screaming word that spells S-I-N-G-L-E. Yes, I'm one of the highest contributors in our tax funds yearly for the entire country. I'm sure the government is receiving quite a huge amount of money straight from my pocket. You're welcome.

There were several greetings that were unexpected and expected since 12 midnight and the list goes on. I decided to put my phone to be charged and ignore Facebook for a while. I've had enough greetings to last a lifetime and I'm not sure if I am deeply happy knowing that people have my timeline in their heads. 

Then there's M. A HS friend who's been bugging me recently for his incoherent explanations. He is a friend and I've never looked at him differently except now that the clock is ticking, I am beginning to think differently. I kept asking myself, "If he were to be the last man on earth, would you like to spend the rest of your life with him?"

The answer is clearly a NO. Make it bold, italicized and underlined. Except that when he asked me about his chances in case he'll court me I gave him an "I don't know". It's the truth at the time. Really. It only got messed up when another guy came back from nowhere and started making his presence known again. Uggh. Complicated. Please stop my imagination from going overboard again. I beg you.

Other than the fact that he's too far (US) and LDR is not my thing, I don't feel any spark or even a hint of electricity flowing in my body for him. He is a nice guy though. I'm sure he'll be a great boyfriend because he respects women, has a caring soul and has a sense of humor but he's not my type. Considering his current financial status, I should be giving him a chance but I'm not the kind of girl who looks at bank accounts to have a stomach-fluttering feeling. No, I am the girl who simply goes with her gut.

My housemate advised me to give him a chance. She even replied to some of his messages in Viber saying I might develop feelings for him. Who knows? His exact words. I like straight-to-the-point men. He was. Kinda. It was just too late for me. If he said everything he wanted to say in the past, we might have had a chance because I was naive and gullible then. Not anymore.

Again, this is my mind rambling the random idiotic thoughts that cannot stop itself from coming out. It's exploding and I can no longer keep it inside for fear of losing my own sanity. I am mad. Mad with the world for putting me in my current state. I am in the same bedroom with the man I never liked from the start but kept confusing me over and over again who's causing a lot of sleepless days. I am mad with Fate for messing up with time and allowing M to tell me the oh-so-late confession this week right before my birthday! Why did he have to tell me that he wanted to court me but ended up with my friend because I left when he arrived in the Philippines? Why did he have to call me this stupid name-BULA (bubble)?! 

He even asked me not to disappear from him again which was odd since I was never his to begin with. I was never anyone's girl so can he cut the crap and move on? He is bugging me again with his nonsense messages of greetings (e.g. good morning, how are you?) but he didn't even remember my birthday! My room mate remembered to greet me this morning when he came home from work but most likely it's because of the endless posts in Facebook.

Don't get me wrong. Yes, I am so grateful for everything. Including the people who are making my days worse by asking me to buy them take-away from a not-so-far stall from work (even when it's raining) right before my evening starts at work. Okay, so my freshness diminished by a few inches due to the unique aroma of the place sticking to my shower-fresh clothes. Anyway, who cares? Nothing cannot be fixed by a few perfume sprays.

I am grateful because I learned more about myself with every experience. Except that it makes me go crazy sometimes. There are days when I reach home and felt like peeling all the apples in the fridge or cleaning the kitchen from too much frustration. I want to scream "Stop!" to catch my breath because it's becoming too much to handle at the same time but I don't want to end up in Changi prison so I keep my mouth shut. 

I am just 29 for goodness' sake! Give me a break. Let me live my life in peace for a day in a year. Like today perhaps since it's my birthday?