Aug 25, 2011

colbie caillat - rainbow NICE song with lyrics

I'm getting addicted to this song...a nice rainbow song that delighted my negative zero heart.

I had a "second-round" interview earlier and it was just fine. As usual, there were no signs from the blank faces of the interviewers. Not even a glimpse of hope that I would be hired or considered for the position. I'm still hoping for a miracle.

I was praying loudly earlier and talking to myself. I didn't know one of our housemates was in her room because she's absent due to a headache. Good thing she woke up late. I'm not sure if she heard me reading my cover letter out loud or when I was talking to myself. Talk about embarrassing moments! Anyway, I had fun spending time with her than being alone. We watched funny Korean games on TV and it was pure laughter. A breather in my overly boring day.

Meanwhile, the room mate is still mysterious as ever. A friend of his came to stay here for a couple of days who must have been my most hated person in the previous life. I meant, how can roomie be friends with such an ass???

When his friend was asked about the reason for a gay friend’s philandering habits, his only answer was this, “It is a man’s nature to seek different partners because it all depends on the performance.”

Wow. For such a short time, my impression of him was turned upside down. I kept quiet as a respect to roomie and to him as our guest. On a normal getting-to-know day with a stranger, I would have given him a tongue-lashing paragraph. I would have insulted him with questions he would never imagine I can say in front of him. I told myself to calm down despite the beer effects because it was a drinking session.

It took me a few minutes to recover so all I did was smoke a few cigarettes, change the topic and move on. In some parts of the conversation, I was teased by the gay friend that the visitor is available and roomie laughed. Roomie made a joke that I might run into the room because of the teasing. How did he know about my little escape moments from the few men in my life? Maybe it was my sister and her big mouth.

I replied with another joke that made them all laugh to avoid further embarrassment. It’s a good thing I only had 2 cans of beer or I would have blurted everything that’s on my mind and made a fool of myself. I cannot believe I endured that evening. You wouldn’t really know your limits until you reach the edge of madness. I gave up after drinking the last sip of beer and called it a night.

The visitor left yesterday and I’ve never been happier. I’m stressed enough as it is with my life, my family and my career, which is going nowhere. In the midst of all these, I realized His presence. I got a call from a headhunter earlier for a position I’d love to have after talking to Him about giving me a sign. It must be His response. Thank you for the wake-up call!

A friend told me once, "never question Him for whatever’s happening in your life". I know she’s right but lately I’ve been wondering how to go on each day not knowing what will happen tomorrow or the day after that. It is scary and for the first time I felt like I am stuck in a hole, unable to escape or move. I am tired of crying because it’s not getting me anywhere. I am tired of showing a happy face when I’m so empty inside. I never thought I would be in the position wherein I am having a battle with myself.

There are moments when I hate hearing laughter from others yet it makes me feel good when I’m part of it. It reduces the stress but after a while when reality sinks in, I go back to the sad zone again.

I am trying my best to be okay because I know everyone here is concerned as well as family back home. I miss the old life back home where I can sit back, relax and laugh at my unfortunate events for real. I miss chatting with friends who listen. I miss not caring what will happen tomorrow.

This must be what growing up is all about.

Aug 11, 2011

The one with "What I Wanted To Say"

I found this video in YouTube and it just fits my mood right now...I miss FRIENDS and here's to a decade of laughter:

Aug 10, 2011

The one with the songs

With my uncombed hair, dripping from the shower, I got out of the bathroom and entered the living room this morning, only to be surprised by his presence. I was surprised because it's about 9:30 AM and he is already awake when he doesn't have work. It was like a video in MTV for a soundtrack of a movie where the sun is shining too brightly on him and I was at a loss for words and clueless on what I should do next while clutching my dirty clothes and towel. 

I muttered a hello and mentioned it's a surprise to see him so early. He said almost the same thing and he just woke up and can't sleep anymore. He was snoring when I left our shared room so what happened while I was in the shower? His girl friend probably called him and woke him up because my chatty sister told me he went out this afternoon to help his friend look for a place or something.

Anyway, he was acting weird this morning. He asked where my interview will be and helped me locate it in the website then he kept playing the OPM songs which he never did. The songs. Uhhh...the songs were mostly love songs by bands which were all about a person yearning for the love of another who doesn't look at him or her the same way. It was creepy. He was even singing out loud in the background while cooking omelette and toasting the bread.

After smoking one cigarette and spraying myself with my favorite perfume, I dashed towards the nearest exit. He got out from the kitchen and asked if I'm already leaving because he just cooked omelette for breakfast. I mumbled about having difficulty finding a cab and ran for dear life. 

"That was close." I don't need this kind of crap before an interview. Thank goodness, the mind over matter worked or I would have blabbed on and on with the new potential employer.

If he's happy with his love life, he can shout it to the whole world and sing merry songs for all I care but would it be alright if he does it when he's alone? His indifference is preferable to this mode. I think I'm going to throw up if I see him singing love songs again.

Being asked by my sister and friends to date a friend's friend is another but seeing my roomie with the love bug is utterly unacceptable. I might decide to go home soon if this continues to happen. Love is great but it's not for me. Not this time. I'm happy for the rest of humanity but I am better off alone right now.

Aug 2, 2011

Demi Lovato Everytime You Lie Music Video

A different side of Demi Lovato.

I enjoyed listening to this video. Cute! :)

The one with in between

Have you ever experienced the feeling like the world is passing you by yet you're stuck in the same place? I call it being in the "in between" period. I am undergoing this phase again. I am lost in the solitary moments of nothingness. I am a slave of my lazy mood swings and restless feet.

The busy streets of Singapore comforted my dark and empty soul this afternoon. After a sweaty interview with a Japanese girl in a bank at 11 AM, I gave myself some time to breathe by eating an early lunch and smoking 2 sticks outside Harbourfront to prepare myself for the inevitable meeting with the 2 persons who hired me in my first job here who also took them away.

I gathered my nerves and headed to the place that had been familiar to me from the last 2 months. My manager was cold as ice. She tried to show compassion by telling me she advised the headhunter to look for another job for me and I lost all the hurtful words in my head. I remembered uttering thanks to her and then left in just a few seconds. 

I have never felt like a burglar who got caught stealing cheese. What have I ever done to deserve this treatment? She tried showing me she still cared yet I did not feel a thing.My open-mindedness kicked in and I was thinking it's either she's a hypocrite or I became as cold as an iceberg that would take years to thaw. 

After this intense scene, I went to the headhunter's office and surrendered my card. It was like giving a part of my soul to a stranger. I displayed nonchalance as I gave up my memories in the card. I kept telling myself, "You already had both sides of the card scanned and the copy is in your hard disk. There's no use crying over a stupid card that has your name and job description on it." 

This chant worked while I was in the building. It was another matter when I left the area. I found myself walking in Orchard Road although I do not enjoy being alone at a time like this. I was lost in the sea of people who are walking by with a purpose. I was there but my head is in another universe.

There's this inner feeling of loss that I can't seem to get rid off. It's definitely not the same as losing a loved one but it has half the impact. I know they are words written on a card but it had a sentimental value to me. 

When I was a kid, I had a difficult time throwing old test papers away because I knew I worked hard on them. I got over the anxiety after seeing the unreadable handwriting because the paper turned almost yellow, similar to a historical document.

Anyway, my mind kept butting in, telling me the idea of walking without any direction is insane while my heart kept saying that it's the best thing to do at the moment. I was fighting with myself in the MRT. This is probably one of the craziest things I've ever done. It's a good thing the conversation in my head was not heard of by anyone or else I would have been arrested by the police here thinking I escaped from the mental institution nearby.

I drowned myself in the only thing that would comfort me in the midst of all these--books. As usual, I got lost but it's very minimal compared to the previous experiences. My heart was singing Allelujah when I smelled the aroma of new books wafting in the air. It's like the spiritual feeling in a church except this one's for my psychological satisfaction. It was like coming home and smelling my Mom's home-cooked meals.

I've browsed thru various books that my hands could grab on. I was planning to buy this bookmark to commemorate the day of my demise. I carried the thing for a few minutes and thought it's weird to buy a bookmark worth almost $7 without any book. I searched for a book in the bargain but I can't seem to find one that I like. Eventually I got tired of it and decided to leave the store without any damage to my Nets. 

It took all my willpower to get out of the store without any item on hand. This must be what they call "maturity". It's full of crap. I decided to go home since it's almost 5 PM. Before going home, I seemed to feel this heaviness in my head. 

I am tired of my long hair. My mind was buzzing with ideas on the type of haircut to have. All of a sudden, I am excited to do something with my hair. Before this event happened, I had to smoke again. Stressful day.

I finally got the courage to walk again and found--a barber shop. Whoa. Hold on. I cannot possibly get a haircut there. No way.

I walked back and forth in the surrounding area and there's no salon to cut my rope-like hair. It seemed to be a huge burden at the time because it's getting too hot. I cannot breathe with my long hair! It needs to be shortened-badly. I asked one sales person from Watson's--of all places--if she knows any salon in the area. She can't help but smile and said no. I looked like an idiot and was given a no. Ding, ding, ding! Time's up. Enough of the crazy ideas.

With sagging shoulders, I went home and settled on the couch. I didn't know Roomie was still there. I was staring at nothing with the fan blowing at my face because I am overheating from too much walking; I'm definitely not a jogger anymore. I immediately grabbed my cell to avoid further interrogations of the inner turmoil in my fat head. 

He had this bed-rumpled hair and unfocused eyes that spelled "I just woke up". I muttered something like "I didn't know you're there." 

To make the long story short, I ended up giving him a summary of the interview and then shared a bit about the cold manager. He replied with, "She's like that all the time, right?" I just agreed to end the conversation. 

The huge silence was deafening. It would've been better if I talked to myself. I would have gotten more answers than I was expecting from him. He is about to go to work and I understand that as an excuse. 

If he really didn't have time, he should have continued his daily routine and ignored me completely. It would have been better that way instead of leaving me with an impression of being judged which was the last thing on my list of most hated emotions after all the emotional roller coaster I've been through. 

I should have listened to my instinct and did not tell him about my awesome day.

My sister, the best listener of all, gave me lectures about doing this and that. Roomie and my sister must have been siblings in their past life because the only difference they have when it comes to being judgmental is that my sister puts them into words and he keeps his mouth shut. 

I don't like puzzles if it's not in apps or real-life games. Too much stress is giving me ulcers and I'm having a hard time sleeping. I want to curse and break plates but it wouldn't do anything. More than anything, my pride was hurt. Being fired was one thing but being judged by my own sister and roomie, it's too much to handle.

If they're robbers, I just want to surrender. I am tired of playing. Please rob me as fast as you can so we can get it over and done with.

Is it too much to listen to someone? Or maybe it's just me. I always relied on people when the going gets tough. I haven't been alone when a storm hits the center of TEQUILA. She's always been with a lemon who will listen to her rants and raves. 

Maybe this is another lesson for me. I should learn to survive on my own because I've always depended on others for support. I should learn to cope up without broadcasting my never-ending complaints and traumatic events.

Sometimes a girl who got her knees bruised, needs to rest in between the surprise of getting wounded and the realization that it would leave a scar to put her life back together.