May 31, 2005

The one with walking away

Posted by Hello

I was excited when I went home. I can rest at last. I woke up feeling the rush of doing all the things I had in mind. I started with a great dinner, some fresh air outside and then I plunged in cyber world. Only to be crushed when I saw his name once again on my screen.

I rememberthe last time I saw him...

We were having fun that day. I almost thought it's perfect after going through traffic and one hell of a day's work. It was worth it, no regrets. Suddenly, the mood shifted. He was listening as he always does best. It was just different. He was staring at me as if he's thinking of something far away.

I got disturbed by a call. Before I can even hung up on the caller, he walked away. He left me there. No, he deserted me. I tried to pose my most cheerful smile like nothing happened and it's the most normal thing to do on earth.

What he didn't know is that when I turned my back on him, I was crying inside. Behind all the laughter and the smile when I was with him was a fluke...because it was exactly the opposite of what I'm feeling inside. Seeing that he no longer has any idea of who I really am after all these years that we've been good friends made me realize that I didn't lose him that day.

I've lost the guy long ago. Walking away is just the drawing of the curtains.

May 25, 2005

The one with sunsets


I love sunsets. Some say it signifies sadness. Well, it could be true. I don't care.I still love sunsets.

The one with Carrie

Carrie Bradshaw
Sex and the City Posted by Hello

The one with Carrie 2

I've been watching Sex and the city earlier and it hit me. I envy Carrie. In times of tragic moments, she has friends she could call up any time who would scold and give her advice. I don't have Miranda, Charlotte or Samantha.
I have tons of friends. However, no one seems to be around when I need a shoulder to cry on. Everyone is busy and I don't have the heart to bother them with what's going on with my life when they have a life of their own to handle.
What is it with me? Why can't I solve my own problems? Does it come with being the youngest child that I always depend on others for good advice instead of finding my own answers by myself?
I'm singing with John Mayer's Love Song for No One, "I'm tired of being alone, so hurry up and get here..", I guess after sending messages to most of my friends and receiving none-I got my answer. As clear as the dark night surrounding me while I'm puffing my cigarette.
My life is a mess. I got sick yesterday. I'm so stressed with work. I'm fed up with these people who kept calling and treated me like trash. I'm not working to be underestimated and questioned like they're lawyers and I'm the guilty criminal under a trial. While answering their questions with all my mustered machine-tone voice to save some dignity.. I was thinking, I'm not in this job to receive insults and talk like a computer. I'm a person and if they can't figure it out, then it doesn't affect me in any way.
As much as I'd love to ignore them, it somehow gets inside my thick head. I easily get hurt and I can only imagine that the time will come when I'll get the call that will kick me out. My patience is at 90% now and if it reached's most likely that I'll resign before I ruin the next opportunity to get a good job.
I'd hate to do that. Quitting it's not in my system. My dad told me to reach at least a year to get a good recommendation but with what's happening, I'm on the verge of losing my sanity so when the right time comes, destiny will decide for me.
I love this job sometimes especially when I talk to old ladies who appreciate what I do. I feel like my head's above the clouds. The people I work with are very friendly but I've lost most of them because they're tired of not getting what they deserve in the company. After a year of working, they've reached their limit and decided it's time for them to move on.
My reasons for working include: Me, family, work itself and colleagues. I've erased me, colleagues (since most of them are gone) and work. The only thing left is my family. Is it enough to keep me going? I hope so...because I promised myself before I plunged in the corporate world that I will never stick with a job that doesn't make me happy. The least I could do is honor my own wishes. For myself. Right?