The one with the loser day

It's almost lunch, not even a nap since 6 p.m. yesterday, but I am still as awake as an electrocuted rabbit. Why?

2 REASONS:

1. work-related bad/good news

2. poker

Let's start with the first one. The HR and training manager surprised me and some of my wave mates when they separately discussed our "sort of" termination from work. It is not exactly the right word because we decided to leave the company, not the opposite. Each of them mentioned about the salary which was higher than what we expected. Technically, we'll be paid until May 12 although we were asked not to show our faces at work starting today.

Unfortunately, I was not trained on how to handle deep emotional stress so instead of looking like it's the end of the road, I laughed at every silly comments and questions made by my office mates in my hopeless attempts to deny the truth, as requested by our beloved manager--to avoid further bitterness for those who will stay on training. I really hate the confidentiality agreements; it's like poison to friendship.

Smiling seemed to be the best way to handle things so I did-- when we bought them pizza for our last hour there, when they teased me to sing (I didn't, after singing twice for being late--never again), when my friend Charlie made a speech on behalf of those who are leaving (I almost cried in the corner) and lastly when our trainer said goodbye and shook my hand. I almost ran to go outside because I can't bear to see them and not imagine what could have been if I stayed.

As much as I've wished to be out of that room to wake myself up for so many times (only to get coffee or to go the restroom), I wanted to be inside that training room when I closed the door. I'll surely miss all the fun times that we had while we tackle silly and green stuff all at the same time.

The good news is that I'm free from all the stress made by malwares, sales scripts and DOS commands and I'm still paid for being at home. The bad news is I'm back to square one. I'm unemployed again. I am an instant addition to those who will go online looking for jobs and waiting for a call that may never come. I will be another lost soul lurking in offices, sitting in an uncomfy chair while the HR tries his or her best to annoy me with questions and the endless waiting to test my thin patience.

Sad but life's like that.

Let's move on to Poker. An addiction to the online game in Facebook called Texas Hold 'em Poker got me constantly hooked to my laptop. I played for almost 4 hours since I got home and guess what--I'm still a loser. I lost about $5,000 from a game! A virtual game. Darn- I managed to be a loser virtually and in reality. Who can beat that now?

=(

The one with Luna Lovegood

“The things we lose have a way of coming back to us in the end, if not always in the way we expect.” -Luna Lovegood of Harry Potter

I can certainly relate to that line from the movie--Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. It seems like bad news kept coming and there's no room left for hope these days.

I went home this morning after work feeling like a cat moping on the sofa. I've been having sleepless nights thinking where I'm going to work after April 20. The acquisition made by an unscrupulous company to my current employer is downright tragic. My co-workers and I were given a choice to stay; however, their terms and conditions lay a heavy burden on our heads that made me decide to leave the company.

I'm usually optimistic whenever I encounter difficult situations. I treat them as a challenge for my own personal growth no matter how far it leads me as long as it's for a long-term goal. I never realized I would end up defeated a month before my birthday.

Another bad news was served to me in the form of a missed call from a close friend. I woke up when I heard my sister talking to another friend of his who told her that his mom passed away. It would've been bearable if her death was due to old age or nightmare (although it's still never going to be easy to accept) but fate was too cruel and had to create a fire that burned their house in Davao with his mom locked in her room. The saddest part was that she cried for help and nobody had the courage to rescue her for fear of their own life.

He's a very jolly person. He even organized some kind of celebration last Thursday held in a coffee shop near the bay area just to eat breakfast. Unlike most Filipinos who stay at home during holy week or go to different churches, he said he would like to spend his time with closest friends for the daily dose of updates. We didn't even have a clue that after that celebration we would receive a very disturbing news.

Nothing beats depression than another tragic news. His news made me forget my own dilemma. My work-related problem is nothing compared to his loss right now.

Sometimes I want to question God why He does these things. Why did he take her away from him? Why did she have to endure such pain when He can take her any way He pleases without inflicting such suffering?

As hard as it is to accept it, I try to understand that He always has a reason for everything. It is the only thing that helps me see the world in a different light.

I must admit I'm not a religious person. A Catholic who doesn't go to masses every week but goes to church to pray is not something that I am proud of. I prefer to talk to God alone rather than go to mass and not understand a word that the priest is saying combined with different kinds of noises in the background.

Going back to the line from HP and the P of A, I took it as a sign when I watched it this morning from HBO. Maybe in some way, God is telling me not to lose hope somehow.

If not, then I'll try to look for another sign and hope I don't miss it.