Jul 28, 2005

The one with still looking

Still Looking...

...For Myself- Wanting to do a thing is a different than doing it. It takes all effort and time. Patience is one thing, determination is another. There are certain questions along the way that I kept trying to answer but I end up with a big fat blank. What ifs simply make my head spin.

...In Space- Breathe in. Breathe out. Sometimes being numb and tired is the way to go. Sometimes it doesn't work. Especially when you want it desperately. Like Murphy's Law. When you wanted to have a cab very badly, all the cabs seem to be trapped in traffic or in another planet.

...At Nameless People- Nobody cares most of the time. Discrimination is everywhere. Stereotyping is the "in" thing. I can count on my fingers who among the people I see will believe that a drabby looking man can count 1 to 100, knows how to use a computer and can speak another language. Most of them will not even glance in his direction. This world is becoming more cruel than I thought it would be.

...Forward To Meeting Mr. Right- When will I ever stop? My mind tells me to be logical and go out with anyone. My heart kept holding back and believing there's someone out there who'll pass my way if he's the right one. I don't need to find him in all the wrong places because we'll find each other. Uughh!!! what a hopeless romantic. I despise myself. Moving on, my brain still works because it directly goes to the part saying, you don't need someone to be happy. You need to be happy on your own before making someone else feel happy. Calling any mental institution----!

...and reaching a dead-end.

I'm tired of looking. If this is the stage where a 22-year-old dies of thinking too much, I am not surprised. Meaningless thoughts come to mind in silence and it's deafening. Same as talking to a stranger for the whole day makes you feel relaxed and peaceful. Somehow not being able to think has its advantages because it lessens the pain. It puts everything on hold for the moment until you're back in the real world to face it again. Then there you again and...

start looking.