Mar 11, 2005

The one with the song

Early this morning, I bumped into a guy. De ja vu. Like it happened before...or I knew him which doesn't fit logically because it's the first time I saw him.

The song Loves Moves in Mysterious Ways became my LSS for the whole day amidst the terrible turn of events around me. Calls kept coming like there's no tomorrow, coach is missing, manager was desperately trying to help, people were busy as hell and so on...

I felt like I'm alone in the world. Everyone was going with the rotation of the earth while I'm going against it and just watching in the background.

I've always felt that way. Simply looking at my surroundings-- in the background.

Not happy nor sad. Weird really but I don't feel anything at all.

Surprisingly, I've been robbed of all emotions. It's a first on a FRIDAY.

Mar 6, 2005

The one with guilt

It's one of the emotions I rarely feel yet leaves a great impact in me.

Today had been one of them. My team mates and I were about to leave work and excited to have our day off when all of a sudden, our coach cries in front of us. She released some of the tension that had been brewing for a few weeks. She was hurt when the result of the evaluation reached her. Some of us gave her very low scores and she felt betrayed because no one confided in her about any issues or problems we have with her to deserve such backstabbing remarks (which nobody meant to happen since she's not there most of the time when we need her).

Who wouldn't do what we've done when we're sitting our butts for 10 or 11 hours of work and she's not there to join us in our misery? She said she'll accept it if she's deserving of that kind of treatment.

Guilt probably creeped into her veins after we received tons of praise from the managers for a great performance and making it in the top 6 in the whole center. It puzzled him that it goes without saying that we did it all without our coach's help. (which is true)

I remember the good times we had at the tent. The days when we smoke our lungs to death from stress. We chatted about almost everything, shared the books we read and gave each other pats in the back when we're sad or had done a good job. However, those are personal matters.

I believe she's been a good friend but in terms of being a coach, it's an entirely different matter.

The littlest things count. It's not just the unnecessary compliments that she shower over us or the laughs we shared over work but the simple thing of being there for us even if it means not taking our sup calls. We would really appreciate if she stuck with us through those times when we feel like banging our heads on the wall for impossible-to-please customers.

By the way, I never got the position. Neither did my friend Aileen. I'm happy to stay in the team but what's happening right now brings me to another long would I last in this job this time?

I've had doubts over this when I got in. I'm not the type who can commit for a long time. I'm afraid of commitments.

I'm having a hard time dealing with guilt so that's it for now.