Jul 24, 2011

The one with moving forward

When I woke up today, I had this surge of energy to get over my dramatic life. I planned to make myself busy. I cleaned the house, threw out the trash, did the laundry and drank coffee while smoking. I know it's not good for me due to ulcer effects but it seemed to work. I drank 1 can of beer last night and it didn't do the trick. I just ate loaf with Nutella this morning to keep my numb heart alive. 

I am tired of feeling down. This is probably my way of coping up with stress. 

Hope it helps because I don't know what else will.

Jul 23, 2011

The one with failure

My colleague once asked me thru the chat at work:

"Why is it so difficult to be happy?"

I answered:

"They say happiness is a state of mind. Maybe if we think we are happy,eventually we will. Besides, being sad gives us wrinkles, we wouldn't want that, do we?"

It was like a funny remark at that time and right now I badly needed to hear it from someone who can make me laugh even for a few seconds. 

I failed the third test call at work and I am not sure of the upcoming events. The trainers told me it will depend on the managers' decision on Monday. I asked them if I still need to report to work next week and they had this funny look on their faces before saying, "Of course and the managers will let us know how to proceed."

My sister accompanied me in the walk of failure in Dhoby Ghaut. We had a little fight about eating dinner because she refused to join me in my stress-relieving hobby of eating when I'm feeling down. She said she's starting this new diet but she'll accompany me in my misery. 

So much for company. I should have eaten dinner by myself because it would not make any difference. Her presence was like a shadow that doesn't speak any words of comfort nor willing to lend an ear. It simply follows me around but that's the end of it.

This must be one of the lowest days of my life. No. This would probably be the lowest point of my entire life.

I used to have depressing days but there are friends I can count on to listen or will hang out with me anywhere like a coffee shop and the world will be full of hope again. 

What have I done last year to deserve this karma today?

Miserable encounters on my favorite day-Friday:

-Failed UAT.

-Headache due to first day of the red sea.

-Tons of work assigned by colleagues who didn't seem to notice I'm drowning in cases to follow up.

-Embarrassing moment in the bus when I almost fell after removing my hand from the railing when I was about to yawn.

-Telling a colleague that I failed UAT and seeing her look of surprise then walking away from me after giving a nod.

-Admitting to the trainers that I'm not feeling well and telling them I understand it's not an excuse.

-Being a liar by saying "I'm fine" to the trainer who asked how I'm feeling after giving me hideous comments about the call like I'm one of the casts in the "Biggest Loser" show.

-Waiting for colleagues with the hope of unwinding after work then realizing it's not going to happen.

-Excited for dinner at a restaurant with my gay house mates then receiving a call from one of them that it's canceled.

-Crying like a baby in the TV series and making an excuse that I was affected by the death of the mother  in the show although reality hit me when I realized I'd probably lose my job next week!


Why is it so difficult to be happy???

Is it because we expect too much? Does it come with a price all the time? Am I being too impatient? Should we always end up broken inside to experience joy?

If this is a test from Him, I must look like a tiny dot in His eyes now. I am tired of all these chaos and it never seemed to end. I am afraid that one day I will become addicted to the materialistic motivations of the people around me. I am afraid that it will turn me into a gadget hogger and branded freak. I am afraid that this experience will turn me into someone else that I would not recognize in the mirror.

I am afraid of tomorrow and the days that will come-the unknown scares me the most. Unanswered questions puzzle me and it makes me feel helpless. 

Lord, can we have a break from all the extra challenge days? We can continue this some other time and I'll be more prepared but today I am almost batt empty.