Apr 18, 2012

The one with the new me

We often wonder, how far can we go? What would be the greatest obstacle in my life that would stop me from pursuing my dreams? Is it time, work or money? How about all of the above?

I wish it was that simple. My life has been nothing but a roller coaster lately. My disheveled appearance at work may spell "shit" but being tangled into a chaotic scenario is nothing compared to how I look these days. Yes, I've cut my hair into the anime-like style but it's flipping here and there when the sun rises plus my eyeglasses equals a psycho me. My memory lapses are increasing especially yesterday when my colleague was asking me to bring a document to her and I forgot what it is in a matter of seconds upon reaching the desk.

I mean c'mon, what is wrong with me? THIS is the best reason not to let your heart wander where it should not go because the brain gets left behind. My mind gets cluttered too much that the rest of mankind becomes non-existent and La-la land is a stone's throw away.

I am a mess. I watched "Unofficially Yours" online and I'm drowning in tears. When JL mentioned to AL this line, "Tama ka. Wala akong karapatang masaktan kasi hindi naman tayo", I was surprised because it was my line to myself from the last couple of months. I didn't even notice I was crying. Good thing the lights are out and my sister is still asleep. 

So I have a heart. Right. I thought I lost it when I was on my way back to Singapore. Isn't it enough that he broke my heart without knowing it? He had to repeat it over and over again and then play his stupid songs in my face like he has feelings for me. He had to look me in the eye and then keep silent while observing in the background. He had to pretend he's asleep and then mention my name in the dark like he's concerned about me. He had to go to his friend's place overseas all of a sudden and then forget to say goodbye. 

You know what the worst part is? These past few days made me see how much of a fool I am. Waiting for him is like waiting for the needle to drop in a haystack which is synonymous to Dora finding Nemo on the same show.

Maybe I am assuming. Or maybe I misinterpreted the signals and jumped to the wrong conclusions. Or maybe I was too bored with my life and he's the only guy I keep seeing that I developed this "thing" between us which happens to be non-existent. Okay, it's probably a one-sided attraction brought about by an almost extinct social life. Exactly.

For what it's worth, he must have been sent from above to let me know I can care for someone. Enough to lose my mind when I don't see him. Enough to wish he'll be happy even if it's not with me. Enough to pretend I'm okay when he's around although I'm dying inside because he cares for someone else. Enough to accept my pathetic behavior that I absolutely abhor to the core of my being. 

Yes. I. am. pathetic. This is the new me. *vomits*

Not really. The new me will soon forget about the guy with no balls (as my long-time friend told me) and move on to the next guy who will come along even if she doesn't like him. 

This must be the so-called rebound. Except we were never in a relationship. It has a sting to it that sounds disgusting but if that's the only way to forget about him then I'm willing to do this.There's no turning back now since I already gave my number to this HS friend who suddenly decided to make his presence known again.

I'll have to wait and see. 

I am never going to be Dora. 

I'm not going to search for a needle. Thank you very much.