Jul 29, 2013

The one with colors

It's been a while since I had a notion to start writing, stopped myself from doing it, lost in thought of pouring out ideas I am imagining of and actually having my fingers to begin typing instead of watching neverending series to keep my mind from straying to social networking territories (which I recently deactivated to have more time on more relevant tasks in life).

Why the hesitation? I am at a loss for words. Words seemed to lead me into trouble these days. Troubles that were not supposed to be present in the first place if I had control over my emotions. Lately, I must admit that I dwelled mostly on the hurt that I set aside other people's feelings while wishing it will slowly dissolve into thin air if I became numb from it all. 

I was drowning in my pool of self-pity and bitterness that I forgot where I'm headed. I let the tide carry me from each day to the next hoping that as it comes it will be next to something I can look forward to. 

I tuned out people and co-workers including strangers who were possibly waiting for a friendly face who will grant them a momentary attention, a free booster to their monotonous lives.  

Most of my life was based on a belief that things are black and white, not shaded with various colors that changed when combined with another or had a different hue on a certain time of day. Colors may change yet they originated from being plain which can never be altered no matter how thick the coating is.

A housemate of mine showed a DIY oil painting to me the other day. Let's just say it's another story that unfolded itself right before my eyes. Each color signified an intensity brighter than I've ever seen them. There is no black and white. There's only bright red, orange, yellow, green and pink. Why aren't there any black or white in the painting? Is it because it's too dull to the eyes? Or it too bright for others to notice?

I might try this DIY oil painting myself sooner or later. Maybe it will let me see what I should have seen a long time ago when I was just looking.

Jul 13, 2013

The one with the right man

To the man who is destined to be in my future,

It has been a long journey to find you. It took me more than 30 years of waiting for the right one to come along.

I am but a simple woman who is looking for a simple man. I reserved myself completely for someone like you because I believe I deserve to find a partner in life who would make me happy in every sense of the word as part of God's plan. 

There were years of suffering that were so intense, I thought the tears will never stop from falling and the heart will never cease from breaking. I felt as if I can never let go of the person I fell in love with who can never return my feelings. I am scared of confessing my true emotions because I wanted to be chased and loved in a way that he will not only show it to me but express them in words.

I was broken into pieces every time the man I thought I am in love with falls for a friend or an acquaintance. I moved on and on and on until I almost gave up. There was a moment when I imagined living a solitary life and it does not appear as lonely as it seems because I know God will always be there to guide me but I thought how can I be so selfish and let you be alone for the rest of our lives too?

I can't remember the numerous times I prayed fervently for someone like you. Every time I ride a bus I keep looking around because maybe you're just behind me and I was too busy browsing on my mobile phone to notice your presence. Sometimes I glance on my sides when I'm in line of a food stall or coffee shop because maybe you are walking by and I was too concentrated on the food or drink to order. Most often than not, I hang out alone in parks or random places for fear that I am losing the opportunity of meeting you like I was supposed to because I am so occupied with my job.

In this life, we go through the motions of our busy days-work, home, work and the rest are daily routines of our mundane existence. I refuse to simply adapt to what society dictates as normal. As they say, you don't learn to fly if you're not prepared to crash. I will reach this level and when I do, I'll hug you tight and tell you I attempted to fly just to find you.

Please be more patient, Love, we will find each other soon and it will be worth every single day of waiting.

Your future,
The woman who never got tired of waiting for the right man