Jan 8, 2011

The one with bones

2011 started with a bang. Yes, a huge loud bang that left me deaf. Thanks to my sponsors, "Cough" and "Flu" for your overwhelming support that until today, both of you haven't left my side. Your consistent surprise never ceased to amaze me. This had been the longest endorsement since I turned 20. 

Life is becoming too busy nowadays. I feel like my 2 days off of work is merely 2 hours of rest. It passes by without the usual excitement for the upcoming week. There's no drum rolls, not even a whistle, which would allow me to think that the weekend happened. It is becoming similar to a routine that I had to go through before the next wave comes over and I'm in deep water again. Why didn't we create 5 days of rest and 2 days of work instead? THAT would have been awesome.

I hardly recognize myself when I look in the mirror. The huge circle under my eyes are glaring at me. It seems to scream very loudly sometimes that I am becoming a pathetic lat-wenty's girl. I can see it talking to me saying, "Is this what you wanted with your life?" or sometimes ."Do you want to be alone forever?" and very often it asks me this, "What are you waiting for?".

The last question haunts me even in my sleep. The other day my cousin told me that she had a fright when I woke up in the middle of the night after continuously talking in my sleep. I woke up at that time to go to the bathroom and pee. It wasn't my intention to scare her but she said I was talking in my sleep like I was mad at someone and lo and behold, it's in English. 

Okay, so I talk in my sleep. Not a big deal right? What bothers me is the answer to the last question. What am I waiting for. It's such a short question which weighs a ton on my shoulders.

I'm sure Dr. Temperance Brennan, the forensic anthropologist from the TV series "Bones" would have this kind of explanation:

"Human beings will, at some period in their lives, undergo certain circumstances for them to further explore their innate sense of belongingness. It is an anthropological inevitability that we will seek a higher form of standard which constitutes our definition of normalcy."

When I'm seated in my favorite place at home, the toilet (I know that's weird but it's where I ponder over the daily happenings in my little world), I often wonder how easy everything would be like if I wanted the same thing as other girls. 

Most often than not, women tend to dream of marrying someday and having kids of their own and the whole shebang. I was a dreamer in high school but whoever I was then and now are two different dimensions. I was swallowed by the necessity of earning money to secure my family's future. It became the motivation above all motivations and I suddenly find myself lost in the whirlwind of events.

I am now in a limbo of what would I want to do next after being suffocated by tons of work. I wanted to be surrounded by too much work on some days to avoid asking myself the same question. Unfortunately, when the day ends and I have to travel the usual longer route of going home, I am left with no choice but to accept the fact that the question remains hanging at the back of my head, waiting for a response.

I wish I can be Dr. Brennan, aka "Bones". She would definitely have a larger-than-life answer to it based on science and not theories based on assumptions. I would love to have her insight at this point. However difficult  that may be.