The one with the believer

Wow. It's been a year. 

I don't know what to say. So this is it huh? This is how it would feel like after a year of attempting to live fully after losing the person you thought was the one. 

Why do I sound like a grumpy old hag? Yes, maybe being 30 and still loveless sucks. I am no Ted Mosby who had searched and found "the one" after relentless pursuits of the unknown but for the love of all crappy undefined hearts out there, why am I still wandering aimlessly searching for who knows what?

I gave up on blaming. Even my sister scolded me once and told me to stop putting the blame on her all the time about any ridiculous stuff that we argue about. 

He is not the person to blame on all these non-existent events in my life. I am. For whatever had happened last year, it had brought me to places I have never been and I am grateful. Except for the fact that the missing piece is still missing. When he left, it wasn't just my heart that I thought he took--it was HOPE...

Since I was in college, my best gay friend (who passed away-bless his soul up there) knew that I am a believer. Yes, it's true-as stupid as that may sound.

I told him that I am a believer of fate & destiny. That every human being has that one person he or she is destined to be with no matter how long or how far they are from each other. True love exists in my world for as long as I can remember. 

When I was in grade school, I've read and borrowed almost all kinds of fairytale books in the library and I (the ultimate fool) believed in all those fictional stories about a frog that turns into a prince, a prince rescuing a princess from the tower, a prince waking up a princess through a kiss and even the prince that found the love of his life using a missing shoe. Call me a fool but back then those were the greatest stories ever been written in history (I hate history but this was the only exception).

How in the world did I end up here? I remember debating with a friend on the planned marrying age. I thought 28 was ideal but 30 is perfect. I am 30 now and I have no one. My friend who was a slut in college is now married with a baby girl who posts non-stop of her baby's every move and cute little outfits in FB. I am tired of hitting the "Like" button. 

I want to deactivate my profile again but most of the relatives and friends can only be contacted through it which leaves me no other choice. 

Lately, I started questioning myself. What is wrong with me? I am definitely not a lesbian. How come I don't meet the right kind of men? Most of them turns out to be gay or future gay. Gay magnet? Naaah. Curse me not. 

I'm just sick of being alone and it happens frequently from the last few weeks because of my shifting schedule at work. 

I end up alone at home thinking about talking to someone and then realizing, "Hey, you don't have anyone you can text about your boss who kept pissing you off or that colleague who bullies you or that elevator lady who looked down on you..etc".

Most often than not, what scares me is when I think of anyone to send my blabs, I end up thinking of him again. Of all people. Him. I'm afraid that if I do not meet anyone new, I'll be this woman forever waiting for a man to love her. I cannot be that horrible, pathetic, desperate and psychotic woman. 

After watching 8 seasons of HIMYM, I became aware of having no one in my life who will be there for me when I need to talk about anything under the sun or who can sit with me in a coffee shop to simply hang out without speaking when I am feeling down or listen to me when I can't keep my mouth shut about what's happening in my life or at work or even a basic HUG. No one.   

Maybe the worst part in living is when you do not have someone in your life. I am not exactly alone. I have my family. I have tons of friends. Real life and virtual friends. But sometimes we long for someone who will be there for us at a time when no one seems to care or no one seemed to notice except that one person who will know whatever you're feeling underneath the laughter and smile. 

I wish I can find him soon because this me who believes in fairytales and the happily ever after is slowly fading.

The worst possible ending of my story is -- when the right one comes along, he might not see the girl who once believed them all. 

The one with the subconscious talk

Have you ever noticed that your subconscious is on overdrive? I thought I'm losing it sometimes--not really; somehow it reminds me of an Ally-McBeal-the-lawyer-kind-of-hyper-mode-which-has-disturbing-yet-funny scenes that get me distracted at random moments when I should be focusing on something else.

Well here goes the list...

Top 10 Thoughts of the Subconscious (I wish I can delete): 

10. Seeing you in the path going to the nearest convenient store where we used to bump into each other and you greet me surprisingly by hitting the back of my knees with your own. Okay, now I'm using the long-cut and making a new direction. Take note: new direction not One direction.

9. Cooking pasta a la Master Chef while trying to impress the other by not being too obvious which made it obviously the purpose. Yes, I am the only one who judges my own cooked meals and so far it passed the "edible" criteria. Oh and there's my sister but she's a forced volunteer. 

8. Cleaning the room which makes me avoid it because it's always not clean enough compared to your kiss-ass manner of eliminating any dust from any part of the room (or the entire unit when you're really in the mood).

7. Folding plastic bags in triangular shapes the way you taught me. This is a constant debate when I do grocery, which makes me so frustrated I simply tie it up and put it in the bin. Or I throw them with the rest of the trash. Off you go with the rest of your friends, buddy.

6. Making the bed upon waking up. I remember how you neatly fold it whenever you got up from bed and because of this memory, I usually leave with an unmade bed when I take a bath to avoid imitating your habits. Sometimes when I'm running late, I leave without even looking back at its state. Happy now?

5.  Folding my newly washed clothes in neat piles the way you do them is a struggle while there's a debate whether to make it look like it's been ironed or simply fold them in the most ordinary way possible. Spell confused (C R A Z Y or L O O N Y?).

4. Your bread toaster always stares at me in the kitchen when I wash the dishes that I want to scream at it and throw it out the window.

3. The flat iron sits inside my cabinet because I choose clothes that no longer need ironing and only use it when there's absolutely no other presentable outfit available. You replaced it because you broke the old one remember?

2. You'll come pick me up as a surprise at work one day while I'm taking a break on my usual late night shift outside my office building. I know- too much of a fairytale to happen. R-I-G-H-T. WAKE ME UP.

1. The most ridiculous one is finding you waiting in the doorstep of our new unit where you'll tell me the answers I wanted to hear if only I was brave enough to ask the questions while you were still here. 

:(

Inkdrops:

I removed you from my newsfeed but it wasn't enough. After 6 months of not looking, I saw my fingers typing your name on the search friends and voila- your profile is on my screen. I scrolled and scrolled until I've read all there was to know about you since you left. My mind went to La La land and I don't want to be sappy all over again. 

My FB is now on hibernate mode. Maybe that's because I don't want to hear anything from you. Not even see a "like" on any of my posts from you. It leads to more THOUGHTS. 

I want to be free from this cycle of trip down memory lane that drags me down to someone I don't want to become because I fell in love with the person who will never love me back. I want to move on. If it takes staying away from social networking sites or other forms of technology, so be it. I want my life back.

I want the old me who can withstand any storm, no matter how heavy it is or how weak I am outside. At the end of the day, I know I can stand up again and face another typhoon. After you were gone, I've been a mess. I don't recognize who I was and I love the old me. The "seize-the-day" girl who wants to accomplish many tasks in a day without a pause. The old me who finds one hobby after another to fill the time because she hates idleness. She cries one moment and then she's okay after doing a chore or watching a good film. I love life and I will continue to live my dream for myself and not for anyone else.

From this day forward, I will not let any thought of the top 10 above to be my setback(s) towards reaching my goals. I will be happy too and when I see you, my smile will be something you'll remember because you were never a part of that happiness when you decided to leave with a proper goodbye. 

The one with colors

It's been a while since I had a notion to start writing, stopped myself from doing it, lost in thought of pouring out ideas I am imagining of and actually having my fingers to begin typing instead of watching neverending series to keep my mind from straying to social networking territories (which I recently deactivated to have more time on more relevant tasks in life).

Why the hesitation? I am at a loss for words. Words seemed to lead me into trouble these days. Troubles that were not supposed to be present in the first place if I had control over my emotions. Lately, I must admit that I dwelled mostly on the hurt that I set aside other people's feelings while wishing it will slowly dissolve into thin air if I became numb from it all. 

I was drowning in my pool of self-pity and bitterness that I forgot where I'm headed. I let the tide carry me from each day to the next hoping that as it comes it will be next to something I can look forward to. 

I tuned out people and co-workers including strangers who were possibly waiting for a friendly face who will grant them a momentary attention, a free booster to their monotonous lives.  

Most of my life was based on a belief that things are black and white, not shaded with various colors that changed when combined with another or had a different hue on a certain time of day. Colors may change yet they originated from being plain which can never be altered no matter how thick the coating is.

A housemate of mine showed a DIY oil painting to me the other day. Let's just say it's another story that unfolded itself right before my eyes. Each color signified an intensity brighter than I've ever seen them. There is no black and white. There's only bright red, orange, yellow, green and pink. Why aren't there any black or white in the painting? Is it because it's too dull to the eyes? Or it too bright for others to notice?

I might try this DIY oil painting myself sooner or later. Maybe it will let me see what I should have seen a long time ago when I was just looking.

The one with the right man

To the man who is destined to be in my future,

It has been a long journey to find you. It took me more than 30 years of waiting for the right one to come along.

I am but a simple woman who is looking for a simple man. I reserved myself completely for someone like you because I believe I deserve to find a partner in life who would make me happy in every sense of the word as part of God's plan. 

There were years of suffering that were so intense, I thought the tears will never stop from falling and the heart will never cease from breaking. I felt as if I can never let go of the person I fell in love with who can never return my feelings. I am scared of confessing my true emotions because I wanted to be chased and loved in a way that he will not only show it to me but express them in words.

I was broken into pieces every time the man I thought I am in love with falls for a friend or an acquaintance. I moved on and on and on until I almost gave up. There was a moment when I imagined living a solitary life and it does not appear as lonely as it seems because I know God will always be there to guide me but I thought how can I be so selfish and let you be alone for the rest of our lives too?

I can't remember the numerous times I prayed fervently for someone like you. Every time I ride a bus I keep looking around because maybe you're just behind me and I was too busy browsing on my mobile phone to notice your presence. Sometimes I glance on my sides when I'm in line of a food stall or coffee shop because maybe you are walking by and I was too concentrated on the food or drink to order. Most often than not, I hang out alone in parks or random places for fear that I am losing the opportunity of meeting you like I was supposed to because I am so occupied with my job.

In this life, we go through the motions of our busy days-work, home, work and the rest are daily routines of our mundane existence. I refuse to simply adapt to what society dictates as normal. As they say, you don't learn to fly if you're not prepared to crash. I will reach this level and when I do, I'll hug you tight and tell you I attempted to fly just to find you.

Please be more patient, Love, we will find each other soon and it will be worth every single day of waiting.

Your future,

The woman who never got tired of waiting for the right man 

  

The one with why

More than once in our lives we find ourselves asking this question, "Why?"

To eliminate the deafening answer right in front of our faces, we find comfort in questioning the reality of the situation. We lose our own path by making excuses for other people's behavior. Our thoughts wander into the unknown because that gives us a glimmer of hope in our miserable state.

How often do we ask the question "why" to provide us with more than what we should have been grateful for? Yes, it may seem ridiculously insane and constantly addicting to inflict ourselves with pain over and over again but how did we allow ourselves to be involved in an unfortunate situation in the first place?

I wonder, if we removed the "whys", could our lives have been better?

Would we still be in the same career and relationships we belong to if matters have been altered due to the removal of this demanding and thought-provoking word in the equation?

Are we going to live a healthier and happier life by not questioning the reality of it?

One word can indeed affect our entire lives when we think about it.

A professor from Philosophy class that I had in college told me this was the question in their final exams and only one of them got a perfect score. They were asked to answer the question "why" with supporting philosophies learned throughout the curriculum in 3 sheets of paper which includes explanations of each premise.

I never realized the importance of his story until today. 

Lives are definitely interconnected in a million ways and reasons which we will only know once we reach a wiser age. 

At that time, this was simply an amusing story.

Today, the memory came back and this became a life-long lesson.

The only student who slept through the exam only has two words written on his paper. 

"Why not?"

My professor's teacher was appalled and had the student immediately come to him for an explanation.

The student bravely answered that only the question "why not" can counteract the question "why" and for this reason all other premises lose their essence. Nothing can provide a solid argument with why better than why not which is its exact opposite.

Those two words were like a slap to me while my head was spinning with a million questions this evening.

This was the answer I was waiting for all these years. 

Everything that happened to me. The pain, the hardships and all the sufferings I had been through to be where I am today-I have no right to question it because it's reality.

I can either accept it or I can continue questioning myself everyday and not receive the answer I was hoping for because maybe there is no answer that will satisfy me no matter how long or accurate it is.

Thank you for this Prof, wherever you are right now- I owe you one. 

Why not?

The one with my single life

My boss, the chatty Indian with the neverending questions about my life and love plans, continued to pester me until this day since December. 

He cannot understand why it is not my priority in life at this age (whisper: approaching the 30ish stage) to find a boyfriend or a soon-to-be-husband. I, on the other hand, cannot understand why he believes that everyone should have a partner in life and cannot be happy being single.

He's married with 2 kids who are both boys that kept bugging him every morning at exactly 7 a.m. My boss said they constantly wake him up although he goes home around 2-4 in the wee hours of the morning during our graveyard shift. 

They embarrass him in the train as he said with their silly remarks such as "I am going to eat the hamburger!", while holding his fat tummy which made all the passengers on the train laugh. 

They ask him questions like "How much do you pay for the taxi in a month?" followed up by, "If you can pay that much, how come you can't buy us Ipad when it's a lot cheaper?".

I must admit it seems fun to have kids around because I, for one, enjoy having my little cousins or friend's kids to chat or play with. Let's just say I am a natural when it comes to the little ones compared to people with the same age group.

However, it's entirely different to have them as my own. A husband is also out of the question at this point in time due to my current status in life. I have been officially crowned as the co-breadwinner of my family when my Dad's supposedly new project didn't push through. 

Having a boyfriend or if I'm lucky enough-a husband would be such a blessing but right now, a hot bath and 8 hours of sleep is more than enough to keep me satisfied from all the stress in the IT world that I've recently been fortunate to be in.

I understand about his talk regarding my future that is connected to continuing our bloodline to the next generation and so on and so forth speech. I also understand his prediction that I would have laments about not having anyone to take care of me when I grow old without a family of my own. Lastly, I understand his worry that I will never experience such happiness brought about by having my own kids who will teach me about life in a way that can never be explained in words.

I understand all of those but how can anyone understand the simple joys of being single when they never experienced any of it due to the family of their own who occupies most of their time?

I am happy at this time to have peace of mind to accomplish and do anything I have in mind in my own time. I am pleased to say that I can reschedule or cancel any plans because I do not have anyone to ask permission to or get advice on a daily basis. I am satisfied to go wherever I wish to go because no one is relying on my presence at home all the time.

How dare he accuse the single people that our life pales in comparison with the married one? 

I am not saying that the single life is better than the married people's life but to each his own. 

We all have our own preferences and ideals of a satisfying life. A wise friend once told me, our own happiness depends on how we define it. Some associates happiness with a successful career, others with financial stability and often with family of their own.

Whatever the main reason for our definition of happiness, the important thing is we all choose to be happy and as long as we do not hurt others or steal this from anyone - we DESERVE it.

The one with sense

How do you make sense of your life when it doesn't make sense?

I usually find comfort when logging in because I gain answers after posting in this blog. Hopefully this one will do the trick.

Everyday for the last 2 months, I am undergoing a schedule. Call it a routine or a ritual. I am not the kind of person who can withstand it and I am amazed that I did. What bothers me though is that it is right and appropriate to follow these mundane tasks and chores yet unfulfilling on the inside.

I am becoming a robot. A scheduled task like the backup I initialize at work to do its main purpose of backing up all the data daily at a certain time of day, week or month. 

The idea that I am becoming nothing but a programmed thing assigned to whirl and twirl wherever it is destined to be is alarming.

Can my life be any different in the next 30 days as predicted by Tara - the online fortune teller that provided me a brief (oh no wait-too many paragraphs to count) narration of what will happen within a month. Most of it was saying it will be out-of-the-ordinary as well as life-changing that includes some kind of good fortune. 

Well, luck is definitely what I need right now because this backup is about to expire and get corrupted any time soon if nothing will be changed in my life.

I am planning to have a very long vacation in April to retrieve some of the old me. I miss who I was but I also like the new me. Time flies in Singapore and I need it to slow down a bit because I am missing on a lot due to work.

How I wish I can simply fly back now. Well, 2 months is just around the corner. 

I can almost smell the sun from home, humid and slightly breezy but comforting to my soul.