The one with my horoscope

This was my horoscope last week from my previous post:
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Your horoscope for October 14, 2009

You need bigger and longer hugs than usual today, tequila. A powerful force is moving through your life that is trying to shake things up on a rather mundane level. Don't stoop to the level of petty argument and verbal sparring. The more you resist the opposition, the more stubborn and unwieldy the situation will become. Make sure you have a full tank of gas for your emotions before you leave the house.

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Funny but it seemed so accurate for last week's incident. I still haven't heard from my boss. I wonder what's brewing in her mind right now. I'm more curious about what Barney (operations manager) is thinking about after hearing about my letter pertaining to his 2-hour delay for my early-out request due to my headache. I bet he's still fuming mad about having his tail tied to my dilemma which is partially his fault.

I can't believe I'm in the same shit as I was last week.

I sent an email to my boss and I haven't received her reply yet. She's one clever boss. I'm scared that she might reveal her claws when the curtain is opened and the emcee says, "Show's over!".

The surprise is--I'm at the back naked and unprepared for the audience's reaction.

The one with the mascot boss

I've never been the employee who gives the boss a reason to pull his or her hair out of frustration but I guess I've changed.

Is it wrong to ask questions about a certain process about your work?

Is it wrong to give an opinion or voice out concerns to make everyone's life easier or simpler than make it too complicated for no reason at all?

Today, I almost burst into tears from too much anger. My hands were cold, my face almost got tomato red and I had to smoke while waiting outside for my friend to go out for lunch.

Before this happened, my boss called my attention for coaching. Another colleague of mine interrupted us by asking my boss about a note on our tool that my boss requested for her to edit so that it wouldn't bounce back to us from the client.

My big mouth couldn't help but agree with her and I was surprised to see my boss' reaction. His face turned red and told me that he doesn't question the process given by the client because he understands it.

It may have been my interpretation but the way he answered my question by giving his opinion was a way to avoid answering it which is popularly known as defense mechanism.

I know a thing or two about it because we studied that in our Psych class. Good speakers, like most politicians, answer questions by diverting one's attention to another issue or giving another question to avoid providing a direct answer.

It is understandable for him to react the way he did because it must have looked like I'm questioning his authority or his courage to demand answers from clients but the way he urgently asked that I create an email that instant so he can forward it to his boss as per my inquiry was over the top in my opinion.

The Ally McBeal episode where she got so humiliated that her size got reduced by 90% (like a barbie doll size)-- it was exactly how I imagined myself at that moment. I even questioned my own statement if I sounded rude but I'm sure I wasn't at that time.

The operations manager replied with a crappy message saying he'll try to work on it for us although it's impossible at the moment. He is full of BS. Most agents adore his face and his tree-like height but he still resembles a giant salesman to me who knows everything when it comes to delivering a piece of bad news to people with a twist.

He has the ability and the charm to declare war and still sound as if we're having a party. I envy that from him but then again, liars are not at the top of my list so as much as I'd love to be one of his fans-- I'm not.

Anyway, the scene with my boss turned into a TV series mode...

Imagine me as a big sister asking her baby brother not to be mad because I'm simply asking the reason behind the homework she needs to accomplish for him. I'm supposed to be the one consoled because I'm his agent but I did it otherwise because my regularization depends on him.

On top of it all, it is not in my blood to be unprofessional when it comes to work. Stress is easy but when I have to avoid talking to my boss altogether, that would be difficult.

I respect those who deserve them but if I've been aggravated or abused too much, it's another thing. I also have my own limits.

I am very understanding and patient when it comes to work-related issues. I follow the rules, I extend my work hours if needed and I would comply to all the requirements asked of me but when I'm treated like a janitor requesting for extra tissues to be placed in the cubicles-- that's another thing.

He must have noticed that I'm no longer as chatty as I normally am during work hours. I didn't consult him regarding my calls and asked my colleagues instead. He chatted with me online regarding my call earlier because I couldn't bear to talk to him about it because I was still upset.

I did everything to avoid consulting him during a difficult call because I was still mad and I'm the type of person who preferred to keep quiet when brooding or else I am no longer in control of the words coming out of my mouth.

He even gave me a free time before my end of shift to do floor support; what is it-- a consolation prize for his rude behavior?

If I only had the courage, I would have confronted him and said this to his face-- "Only a kid has the ability to forget everything that happened with a piece of candy. If you didn't notice, I'm an adult; unfortunately, as much as I'd like to move on by shrugging it all off, I can't do the same for you today."

I forgave him for what he did to me today but I would never forget the way he almost shouted at me to get back to my station and send him the email that instant.

(DISCLAIMER: edited due to grammatical errors as a result of extreme anger while she was recalling the incident during the blog moment/may still contain some errors that need to be corrected)

The one with Prison Break: The Final Break

This script is from the video left by Michael Scofield to Agent Alex Mahone to give to Lincoln and Sarah before he went to the chapel to get her out of prison...

Michael Scofield: Well, if you're watching this, I'm glad. Because that means you're safe. And that's all I ever wanted. I wish I could... be there with you. But as you probably know now, I wouldn't have much time anyway, so.. I've made my choice, and.. I don't regret it. Anyway, not too long from now, there's going to be another Scofield running around. You know we spend so much of our lives, not saying the things we want to say. The things we should say. We speak in codes, we send little messages. Origami. So now, plainly, simply, I want to say that I love you both, very much, and I want you to promise me that you are gonna tell my child how much they are loved everyday and remind them how lucky they are, to be free, because we are free now. Finally, we are free...

~In Memory of Prison Break~

I am forever going to be haunted by the look in his eyes when he said that. He's a DMG as my college friend used to say. A Double Meaning Guy. "We are free" is not as simple as it seems, knowing Michael from the TV series, it might be cryptic.

I'll miss their show. There are a few TV shows nowadays which make you think and grip the arm chair or struggle with a pillow to muffle any sound you'll make because of the utter excitement you can't contain from watching each episode.

I'm a bit sad that it ended this way although it is more meaningful as an ending. Being free is defined in the story as not as simple as physically out of prison. Freedom has been given a heightened sense of value. For Michael, it only means keeping his loved ones safe, even if it means sacrificing his own life.

People should admire this movie for letting us remember that historically (not just in the movies), our forefathers and their forefathers before them, fought for their freedom with their lives.

Sadly, life doesn't have much meaning lately to most people that the word freedom is lost somewhere behind trivial issues like video scandals instead of putting our minds into more important matters such as protecting the world we live in during these tragic times.

The rain is still pouring outside. Sleep abandoned me in the middle of the night because of the endless noise created by my favorite neighbor and the wind lashing at window panes and doors on each balcony. Hopefully, this restlessness will subside so I can put my mind at ease and think that the world might change for the better tomorrow.

The one with money

A friend from work told me thru text earlier that he can't spend his backpay for vacation for the simple reason that he needs to save it.

He's a breadwinner in the family and every cent counts so although my gut begs to disagree, I told him it's understandable but he is still entitled to have a vacation or else stress will kick in and he's in for more trouble.

Money is a topic I rarely want to discuss with anyone especially if it is bluntly asked or related to your job description. I agree that saving it would be a great way to plan the future that would include that "dream" vacation. However, I prefer to take advantage of every opportunity to spend it with family and friends to have fun because you'll never know when you can still spend it in your so-called "planned" future.

I mean, what if something happens to me? What if I can no longer enjoy that planned vacation because I don't have the money or the time anymore? It's scary when you start thinking about it.

As a Taurean, it is in my nature to have leisure and lifestyle as a priority although I am more inclined to stay at home and read a book most of the time. I believe everyone deserves to have the freedom to embrace anything and everything that money can buy. On the other hand, I understand that not everything can be bought. Money can be a tool to gain that "thing" you wanted most but sometimes, it defeats its main purpose too.

A great example of that would be my family. My Dad is always working abroad. He can probably buy anything that we wish for but it's still not enough. My only wish since I was a kid was to spend the rest of my life with him in the same country. I envied other kids who always have both their parents with them on Recognition Day or Parents' Appreciation Night or Family Day. I kept thinking that my aunt can't compete with having both parents around. My Mom's there but most of the time, my aunt is the one who goes with me because my Mom hates those mothers who can't be bothered with anything else except to gossip about other people.

If I can wish for anything on my birthday, it would be to have the time when my Dad is around again without thinking of having an expiration date for all those days that we spend together.

Time can suck sometimes. It can ruin every waking moment of your life and you'll only realize it when it can no longer be reversed or changed.

Going back to the main issue--money--it is important but all the wonderful and most valued possessions and persons in your life can never be replaced by millions of it; there's no price for happiness no matter how hard we try.

The one with my birthday

Okay, it's my birthday for the 26th time.

Happy Birthday to me! :)

My ex-colleagues and I went to a KTV last night after the blessing of the new shop of my sister's bf. We laughed like there's no tomorrow for hours...They sang almost all possible songs in each decade since the 1950's. My gay friend brought his new partner along and he's Josh Groban in shorts! With his great voice, I can't argue with his newfound love. They're a perfect match. My other friend brought her bf too so it's like I'm the 5th wheel! Anyway, it turned out great after a few minutes of awkwardness because everyone's in the mood to sing and drink and be merry. =)

I missed having them around to tease when I'm bored or simply because it became a habit like wearing earrings everyday. Life is just not that normal without them.

I'm so thankful that I reached this age. I'm not as optimistic when it comes to aging so technically, this is already huge blessing for me. Like all hopeful people, I wish for certain things on my so-called big day.

Wish List:

5. I had this dream since I attended community service to celebrate my birthday with little kids who grew up without their family or those kids from adoption centers. I hope I can do that before I reach my 30th birthday!

4. I'd love to spend my day with close friends and play poker..naah, the poker thing would be a bonus =p

3. It wouldn't be bad to receive a gift but I'd prefer something that was not bought from a store. What I treasure the most among all the gifts I'd gotten are those cards that my grade school friends gave me. It's probably the most thoughtful present ever- that until now I still kept it in a wooden box! The time can be seen from its yellowish color and believe it or not, it's fascinating to me as a new toy is for kids on Christmas ^_^

2. Peace of mind. Weird but I love having a ME-time to reminisce my previous year and all that. I mean, who wouldn't? It's fun...sort of recalling all the people you met, thinking about the others who never got in touch anymore and laughing about the good and worst times of your year rolled into one.

1. It's rare that I celebrate my birthday with the whole family. If I'm not mistaken, we've been complete twice since I got a mind of my own: one was when I was 5 and we went to the park after church and the second time was at 15 or 16 with my aunt and uncle in Singapore. Lately, being a grown up is such a pain in the @$$ especially with my parents around but I still enjoy being with all of them because that's the time I feel complete amidst all the chaos in this world.

Hopefully, nothing peculiar happens later...wish me luck!

The one with the loser day

It's almost lunch, not even a nap since 6 p.m. yesterday, but I am still as awake as an electrocuted rabbit. Why?

2 REASONS:

1. work-related bad/good news

2. poker

Let's start with the first one. The HR and training manager surprised me and some of my wave mates when they separately discussed our "sort of" termination from work. It is not exactly the right word because we decided to leave the company, not the opposite. Each of them mentioned about the salary which was higher than what we expected. Technically, we'll be paid until May 12 although we were asked not to show our faces at work starting today.

Unfortunately, I was not trained on how to handle deep emotional stress so instead of looking like it's the end of the road, I laughed at every silly comments and questions made by my office mates in my hopeless attempts to deny the truth, as requested by our beloved manager--to avoid further bitterness for those who will stay on training. I really hate the confidentiality agreements; it's like poison to friendship.

Smiling seemed to be the best way to handle things so I did-- when we bought them pizza for our last hour there, when they teased me to sing (I didn't, after singing twice for being late--never again), when my friend Charlie made a speech on behalf of those who are leaving (I almost cried in the corner) and lastly when our trainer said goodbye and shook my hand. I almost ran to go outside because I can't bear to see them and not imagine what could have been if I stayed.

As much as I've wished to be out of that room to wake myself up for so many times (only to get coffee or to go the restroom), I wanted to be inside that training room when I closed the door. I'll surely miss all the fun times that we had while we tackle silly and green stuff all at the same time.

The good news is that I'm free from all the stress made by malwares, sales scripts and DOS commands and I'm still paid for being at home. The bad news is I'm back to square one. I'm unemployed again. I am an instant addition to those who will go online looking for jobs and waiting for a call that may never come. I will be another lost soul lurking in offices, sitting in an uncomfy chair while the HR tries his or her best to annoy me with questions and the endless waiting to test my thin patience.

Sad but life's like that.

Let's move on to Poker. An addiction to the online game in Facebook called Texas Hold 'em Poker got me constantly hooked to my laptop. I played for almost 4 hours since I got home and guess what--I'm still a loser. I lost about $5,000 from a game! A virtual game. Darn- I managed to be a loser virtually and in reality. Who can beat that now?

=(

The one with Luna Lovegood

“The things we lose have a way of coming back to us in the end, if not always in the way we expect.” -Luna Lovegood of Harry Potter

I can certainly relate to that line from the movie--Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. It seems like bad news kept coming and there's no room left for hope these days.

I went home this morning after work feeling like a cat moping on the sofa. I've been having sleepless nights thinking where I'm going to work after April 20. The acquisition made by an unscrupulous company to my current employer is downright tragic. My co-workers and I were given a choice to stay; however, their terms and conditions lay a heavy burden on our heads that made me decide to leave the company.

I'm usually optimistic whenever I encounter difficult situations. I treat them as a challenge for my own personal growth no matter how far it leads me as long as it's for a long-term goal. I never realized I would end up defeated a month before my birthday.

Another bad news was served to me in the form of a missed call from a close friend. I woke up when I heard my sister talking to another friend of his who told her that his mom passed away. It would've been bearable if her death was due to old age or nightmare (although it's still never going to be easy to accept) but fate was too cruel and had to create a fire that burned their house in Davao with his mom locked in her room. The saddest part was that she cried for help and nobody had the courage to rescue her for fear of their own life.

He's a very jolly person. He even organized some kind of celebration last Thursday held in a coffee shop near the bay area just to eat breakfast. Unlike most Filipinos who stay at home during holy week or go to different churches, he said he would like to spend his time with closest friends for the daily dose of updates. We didn't even have a clue that after that celebration we would receive a very disturbing news.

Nothing beats depression than another tragic news. His news made me forget my own dilemma. My work-related problem is nothing compared to his loss right now.

Sometimes I want to question God why He does these things. Why did he take her away from him? Why did she have to endure such pain when He can take her any way He pleases without inflicting such suffering?

As hard as it is to accept it, I try to understand that He always has a reason for everything. It is the only thing that helps me see the world in a different light.

I must admit I'm not a religious person. A Catholic who doesn't go to masses every week but goes to church to pray is not something that I am proud of. I prefer to talk to God alone rather than go to mass and not understand a word that the priest is saying combined with different kinds of noises in the background.

Going back to the line from HP and the P of A, I took it as a sign when I watched it this morning from HBO. Maybe in some way, God is telling me not to lose hope somehow.

If not, then I'll try to look for another sign and hope I don't miss it.

The one with the temptation

I'm still up and moving in the middle of the night like a burglar except that I'm at home.

Reason:no smoking today (and most likely 'til the end of the week!) because mother dear is here to stay.

I ate like there's no tomorrow when we went out for dinner. After going back and forth, I decided to end my agony and stayed for almost an hour in the bathroom- and ended with a bit of defeat singing, "my life is incompleeeettee, yeah". Nothing beats the old constipation but a stick of cigarette. Almost did the head-shake after spraying Glade everywhere but my not-so-favorite cousin might see that so I just did it in my head.

To avoid the temptation when we got home (because as much as I'd like to--I can't!), I decided to rummage my drawer and to clean up the mess by folding each hanky and finding missing pairs of socks. I also segregated the gazillion clean laundry that were piled so high in three rows, we can barely move in the room. It's been lying there for 2 weeks so I guess they're ecstatic to get out of the plastics alive.

Back to my dilemma-- my not-so-favorite cousin and mother dear are both asleep but I still can't find the nerve to go downstairs and smoke. I thought of that over and over while I was in the bathroom. I can make up some lie that I need to buy something in the store or need to check the mailbox but I kinda lost the nerve because it's silly at my age to act like that.

I'm 25 and I can't tell my parents that I like smoking cigarettes.

Why?

Because I don't have any good or valid reason to do that. Besides, they've been such great parents that they don't deserve to know about it.

As hard as it may seem to understand, I enjoy it. Sometimes you do things without any intention to hurt others or yourself especially if it became a part of your existence. It's like a chewing gum, it looks bad especially when you're in an interview or meeting but it calms you when you're nervous or helps you overcome the boredom somehow. It's the same as smoking to me.

Others may refuse to understand that simple logic but it's really as simple as that. When Chandler stopped smoking in FRIENDS due to his friends' advice, he was freaking out. He felt like he's hyperventilating although he's not. He was acting as if a ticking bomb is inside him and he needed to release it by smoking.

He had my sympathy then and he still has it now. More than ever.

Darn it.

I might need to go out with friends tomorrow to stay sane since my Mom is planning to drag me back home to stay there for more than a week!

The one with the laziness

When I woke up this afternoon around 2PM, I have no clue what I'm going to do for the rest of the day.

This has been happening for the last couple of days. I wake up, go to the bathroom, eat, sleep, watch endless shows on TV (which I've memorized like the four corners of my room), go online to play Fashion Wars over and over again and then read a book and sleep until the next afternoon again.

I'm so restless I can't sleep now.

I've wanted to do this when I had been working my ass for more than 10 hours a day due to overtime. I can't believe I'm doing it now and I am beginning to hate it. I feel like a dog left by her owner at home whose sole purpose in life is to guard the house.

I'll start work again next month but the days seem to be so slow that I want to press fast-forward to get to the day when I can be useful again. I'm starting to talk to myself nowadays, it's becoming a habit that I'd hate to do when I go out.

I can't call this insomnia because the afternoon had been my morning and morning is the evening for me. Gosh, I'm back to the graveyard shift although I'm unemployed. I'm looking forward to text messages from friends who want to go out for coffee and my sister asking me to go to the mall.

How did I get to be so lazy?

The one with my sister's 28th birthday

We went home to celebrate her birthday and her boyfriend tagged along together with her 2 closest friends. It's like Meet The Parents (without Robert De Niro since my Dad's not around) including the rest of the relatives at home who did not bother to hide their curiosity on who's who. The grandmother I've known, who is my mother's aunt, was not able to control herself and asked him if he came with my sister there. If I've been there at that moment, I would've laughed at that. Thank goodness I was busy outside with gossip updates from my dear mother.

To make the long story short, we were able to escape everyone before 6 PM and went back to Manila. We had dinner at this fancy restaurant called Ristorante Pia y Damaso.

They had cool names for the dishes especially the desserts:
~Ibarra's Kiss
~Maria Clara's Velvety White Cheesecake
~Sisa's Dementia
~Brazo ni Dona Vicki

The ambiance and the service are excellent but the food is not something I'd truly recommend to anyone. This experience just proved that dishes with interesting names do not guarantee a delicious meal. Most of the main courses seem unusual which affected our food choices at the time.

For our drinks, we ordered Tubig ni Maria Clara (By the Pitcher), which has cucumber juice, ginger syrup and citrus water, that was well-recommended by the overfriendly waiter. I'm always thirsty so I'm not sure if it tasted good because of that or it really was refreshing as they say.
After the heavenly desserts, we watched the movie Confessions of a Shopaholic. We were laughing from start to end. If anyone badly needs an hour of laughter, I'd definitely advise him or her to watch it.

I loved the part when Rebecca Bloomwood was talking to Luke Brandon in his office for an interview and then she screamed while pointing to the poster of a guy outside when he was about to ask her to speak Finnish.

Unfortunately, the downside of the movie is that the setting was in New York instead of London based from the book. I've read 3 of the Shopaholic books from a good friend of mine. If I hadn't, maybe I would've appreciated it more because I didn't know the original plot of the story.

Contrary to the bad reviews by most newspapers, I enjoyed watching this film. It's rare for me to laugh like a lunatic while watching a movie in a theater so I'm giving it a rating of 8/10. Sometimes people need to crack once in a while. We want to watch without analyzing what the characters are doing or scrutinizing their outfits (although we do that involuntarily)-- what matters is that it had found an emotion within us that was stirred by the story.

Prada and Gucci aside (fake or not), Rebecca's clumsiness reminded us that there's still hope amidst all the economic crises-- even for the silly ones. ☺

The one with the pictures

Memory is the worst enemy. A simple peace sign on a picture, a favorite hobby, the most intricate design printed on a bag or even 2 friends walking on the street can take you to a walk down memory lane in an instant. Funny, it had to happen today when I'm in the middle of making a huge decision for my non-existent career.

After a looong conversation with my former office mates over the phone, I sat on the computer while waiting for another page to load. Right before I was able to reach my destination, I saw her again. How could I possibly miss it when she had flooded almost the entire page with comments to everyone except me? Well, she sent me something else. A bear with a puppy love caption. Is this the only message she can give me after not getting in touch for almost 6 years?

I waited for 5 seconds, 10 then a minute. Do I click on Accept or Ignore? ACCEPT or IGNORE? I think I mentioned it in my head for 5 minutes because I lost track of time staring into space. Finally, I clicked on accept before I change my mind. In my head, I keep hearing "Delete account" and "Delete her on friend's list" but my conscience got the best of me and I simply went ahead and finished what I started. My guts are telling me to logout yet I saw myself clicking on each one of her photos to satisfy my curiosity.

After several albums, I wanted to stop and close the whole IE window. Something told me to keep viewing all of them until I browsed the last picture. I saw her with her family. She was smiling like her usual bubbly mode but she can't fool me.

She had a lot of dreams. She's the type of person who has plans and executes them as she sees fit to ensure that everything goes smoothly or perfectly. I am happy knowing that she grabbed opportunities and succeeded in them. I can see that she seemed content with her life. It's just that there are some dreams that you never dared to broadcast out loud and I can sense that she had one which had not happened the way she planned them.

As much as I'd want to pick the pieces and get back where we left off, it's almost the same as finding separated shredded papers from a garbage bag full of them.

Her pictures said a thousand words but one of them is for sure...I'm no longer part of her life.

The question that I'm asking myself is, do I delete her or do I delete myself in cyberspace again to move on with my life?