I'm still up and moving in the middle of the night like a burglar except that I'm at home.
Reason:no smoking today (and most likely 'til the end of the week!) because mother dear is here to stay.
I ate like there's no tomorrow when we went out for dinner. After going back and forth, I decided to end my agony and stayed for almost an hour in the bathroom- and ended with a bit of defeat singing, "my life is incompleeeettee, yeah". Nothing beats the old constipation but a stick of cigarette. Almost did the head-shake after spraying Glade everywhere but my not-so-favorite cousin might see that so I just did it in my head.
To avoid the temptation when we got home (because as much as I'd like to--I can't!), I decided to rummage my drawer and to clean up the mess by folding each hanky and finding missing pairs of socks. I also segregated the gazillion clean laundry that were piled so high in three rows, we can barely move in the room. It's been lying there for 2 weeks so I guess they're ecstatic to get out of the plastics alive.
Back to my dilemma-- my not-so-favorite cousin and mother dear are both asleep but I still can't find the nerve to go downstairs and smoke. I thought of that over and over while I was in the bathroom. I can make up some lie that I need to buy something in the store or need to check the mailbox but I kinda lost the nerve because it's silly at my age to act like that.
I'm 25 and I can't tell my parents that I like smoking cigarettes.
Because I don't have any good or valid reason to do that. Besides, they've been such great parents that they don't deserve to know about it.
As hard as it may seem to understand, I enjoy it. Sometimes you do things without any intention to hurt others or yourself especially if it became a part of your existence. It's like a chewing gum, it looks bad especially when you're in an interview or meeting but it calms you when you're nervous or helps you overcome the boredom somehow. It's the same as smoking to me.
Others may refuse to understand that simple logic but it's really as simple as that. When Chandler stopped smoking in FRIENDS due to his friends' advice, he was freaking out. He felt like he's hyperventilating although he's not. He was acting as if a ticking bomb is inside him and he needed to release it by smoking.
He had my sympathy then and he still has it now. More than ever.
I might need to go out with friends tomorrow to stay sane since my Mom is planning to drag me back home to stay there for more than a week!