Nov 7, 2011

The one with my perception of guys

What is the difference between touching a guy friend's hand on on purpose for confirmation like a high-five and accidentally brushing your hand to his when you both reach for a chip in a bowl? Nothing right? This should be a normal occurrence which should not result to any awkwardness.

When I slightly nudged his hand when we had an agreement about a certain joke and laughed about it, he was smiling at me like we're good friends. 

He even made a few questions about me dating my sister's other friend and  then making his own conclusion that I always think all guys are gays. I do not think all guys are gays, but most of them are when you least expect it.

On the other hand, when we both reached for a bowl of chips and our hands accidentally touched, he became cautious on the side of bowl to get the chips from.

This was like the incident last week when we both stood in front of one another when walking towards the other side of the room. I was expecting him to walk on the other side of the way and I guess he was expecting the same from me so we both stood there near the kitchen for about 5-10 seconds waiting for the other to move then he laughed. He was on his cellphone talking to a friend and I was checking my cellphone for emails while walking with a glass of water on one hand.

I googled this on the internet because I am really clueless about these things. I mean, I honestly think he's gay but there are days when he's acting like a guy. He hasn't really admitted being gay but I just made that conclusion in my head because he's like no other guy I've met. 

His cleanliness is above par. He cleaned the whole unit one day like we hired a cleaning crew who also replaces curtains. Need I say more?

He smells so good that I stink near him. 

He is street-smart and wise in terms of money, career and life in general. 

He is aware on current events-even Hollywood updates or local celebrity gossips. 

He understands gay lingo although he doesn't speak like one.

He sleeps like he's posing for a magazine sometimes which makes me look like a harassed cow in bed.

He is very organized and neat with his things that you would think he learned it from a special course in a university for the neat at heart.

He listens to love songs (both local and foreign) and others that I used to think only girls do although sometimes he plays acoustic rock or alternative rock too.

His bed has always been arranged like a guest would occupy it whenever I go home.

There are many others which puzzle me about him. He is strangely different than the normal guys I knew and that scares me. I always have this picture in my head of how guys are but once you live with one, you begin to realize that your knowledge about them is less than half of it.

I must admit that he slightly gave me a better view about guys. I do not condone discrimination with men in general but the media and the society that we lived in instilled a view about men that stuck in a way that made us believe a specific description of who they are, which is not entirely good.

He made me see that guys can be cleaner than girls. 

He argued that my sister and I are the only siblings so I should forgive and forget which was a shock coming from him who seemed to be indifferent most of the time. 

He made me realize that some men know how to cook and are into healthy food. 

He showed me that men can be a gentleman (i.e. opening doors for women, allowing us to go first when about to dig in during meals etc.). 

He gave me an insight that not all men can be associated with a specific quality or persona (i.e. hardcore action fanatic/video game freak/rocker with tattoo plus tons of attitude). 

I learned from him that we can never stereotype a single person by our own impression of them because there's more to a man than what we see in them. They are different than women in numerous ways but at some point we do have similarities that are undeniably shocking. 

Due to these common characteristics, I automatically went on auto-pilot that he is gay which was unfair on him. Okay, with the recent improvements on his behavior and the details of his life that I happened to discover- it is an injustice to put him in a specific category because I was wrong for judging him with my own observations alone.

I finally decided to move on with this quest to know his gender because there's no point in all that. I will not cross the boundary of friendship because he is my sister's friend and I'm like a sister to him. I think he can be a great friend if we would be given the chance to get to know each other with more than the facts we both learned from others about our lives. 

Being perceptive about guys and their behavior was never my forte in the first place and I might as well shut up in this department. I've been with gay friends for too long which might have influenced my opinion somehow. Well, I promise to change it and give them a chance to tell me who they are before jumping into any conclusions starting today.

Here's to a new outlook in men. Bow. May the men that I meet show their true colors for the goodness of humanity. 

Sep 28, 2011

The one with stitch by stitch

This song by Javier Colon in The Voice really fits my current life. Earlier I had to tear up all the papers from my previous work to start anew. It was therapeutic to say the least. I was deeply involved in it that I didn't notice the roomie hanging in the same room. We talked but it was "small talk" to put it mildly. It was more like me trying to have a conversation with him and he was not interested. Moody roomie. Or maybe he's thinking of the same thing about me. Anyway, I will start work tomorrow!

Yes! Tomorrow! How great is that? Not really. I have cough and flu plus my period. Fantastic right? Talk about great timing. I'm just thankful it wasn't last Monday when the virus was at its best. I was restless yesterday and from the previous days that I kept going from one place to another to browse stuff I need and I don't need. I feel like an alley cat who needs to constantly move or I would become a statue. Anyway, I'll be posting the pictures below to show some of the sights and stuff I've been eyeing on lately to entertain myself and avoid he-who-must-not-be-named.

The McDonald's branch in Marina Square has this sign in front of me while I was enjoying my hot fudge sundae and iced tea.  Again, I forgot that their "large" is not the usual large in Manila but the biggie one like in Wendy's. Anyway, I managed to finish it while walking outside again.

This was the only picture I had on my first flight to Manila alone. I had to go home for my Lola's funeral. This moment is special to me. It was right before the plane took off and I swore to myself that I would leave all the bad memories in Singapore to start a new one when I come back. I will strive to be a better person for my family and for myself. I want to be positive now. Here's to the new me. 

This is the book I wanted to buy but due to budget constraints, I had to glance at it longer than necessary and   stayed happy and contented for not spending a penny. 

This was before my interview with the present employer. Nice view but I was time-pressured and I just took a quick shot of it. I had to apply face powder before and after the "smoke" break. What a nerve-wracking day!

The view from the bench I was sitting on while eating/drinking the mango-flavored slushie. It was weird to drink the mango-flavored syrup in the shake but to eat the mango-flavored ice cream at the same time? Not recommended. You'll end up with the mango-flavored ice that you can't eat and drink! 

I took a picture of this while watching a girl who's eating alone like I am on the other bench.

I was envying this guy who is about to go home from work when I am lost and had nowhere to go on this day. He doesn't look like he has a girlfriend though so I felt relieved. There is balance in this world, after all. 

I bought this when I was dying of boredom and can't buy anything affordable...headbands!!! Now, remind me again not go shopping when under extreme stress and boredom. I might buy something I can't afford and I'll end up bankrupt and homeless. I admit it, I am an infrequent and impulsive buyer (with the tone of an AA member).

My housemate just arrived and my sister will probably be here in the next few minutes. I better finish this! 
'Til my next misadventures! 

Aug 25, 2011

colbie caillat - rainbow NICE song with lyrics

I'm getting addicted to this song...a nice rainbow song that delighted my negative zero heart.

I had a "second-round" interview earlier and it was just fine. As usual, there were no signs from the blank faces of the interviewers. Not even a glimpse of hope that I would be hired or considered for the position. I'm still hoping for a miracle.

I was praying loudly earlier and talking to myself. I didn't know one of our housemates was in her room because she's absent due to a headache. Good thing she woke up late. I'm not sure if she heard me reading my cover letter out loud or when I was talking to myself. Talk about embarrassing moments! Anyway, I had fun spending time with her than being alone. We watched funny Korean games on TV and it was pure laughter. A breather in my overly boring day.

Meanwhile, the room mate is still mysterious as ever. A friend of his came to stay here for a couple of days who must have been my most hated person in the previous life. I meant, how can roomie be friends with such an ass???

When his friend was asked about the reason for a gay friend’s philandering habits, his only answer was this, “It is a man’s nature to seek different partners because it all depends on the performance.”

Wow. For such a short time, my impression of him was turned upside down. I kept quiet as a respect to roomie and to him as our guest. On a normal getting-to-know day with a stranger, I would have given him a tongue-lashing paragraph. I would have insulted him with questions he would never imagine I can say in front of him. I told myself to calm down despite the beer effects because it was a drinking session.

It took me a few minutes to recover so all I did was smoke a few cigarettes, change the topic and move on. In some parts of the conversation, I was teased by the gay friend that the visitor is available and roomie laughed. Roomie made a joke that I might run into the room because of the teasing. How did he know about my little escape moments from the few men in my life? Maybe it was my sister and her big mouth.

I replied with another joke that made them all laugh to avoid further embarrassment. It’s a good thing I only had 2 cans of beer or I would have blurted everything that’s on my mind and made a fool of myself. I cannot believe I endured that evening. You wouldn’t really know your limits until you reach the edge of madness. I gave up after drinking the last sip of beer and called it a night.

The visitor left yesterday and I’ve never been happier. I’m stressed enough as it is with my life, my family and my career, which is going nowhere. In the midst of all these, I realized His presence. I got a call from a headhunter earlier for a position I’d love to have after talking to Him about giving me a sign. It must be His response. Thank you for the wake-up call!

A friend told me once, "never question Him for whatever’s happening in your life". I know she’s right but lately I’ve been wondering how to go on each day not knowing what will happen tomorrow or the day after that. It is scary and for the first time I felt like I am stuck in a hole, unable to escape or move. I am tired of crying because it’s not getting me anywhere. I am tired of showing a happy face when I’m so empty inside. I never thought I would be in the position wherein I am having a battle with myself.

There are moments when I hate hearing laughter from others yet it makes me feel good when I’m part of it. It reduces the stress but after a while when reality sinks in, I go back to the sad zone again.

I am trying my best to be okay because I know everyone here is concerned as well as family back home. I miss the old life back home where I can sit back, relax and laugh at my unfortunate events for real. I miss chatting with friends who listen. I miss not caring what will happen tomorrow.

This must be what growing up is all about.

Aug 11, 2011

The one with "What I Wanted To Say"

I found this video in YouTube and it just fits my mood right now...I miss FRIENDS and here's to a decade of laughter:

Aug 10, 2011

The one with the songs

With my uncombed hair, dripping from the shower, I got out of the bathroom and entered the living room this morning, only to be surprised by his presence. I was surprised because it's about 9:30 AM and he is already awake when he doesn't have work. It was like a video in MTV for a soundtrack of a movie where the sun is shining too brightly on him and I was at a loss for words and clueless on what I should do next while clutching my dirty clothes and towel. 

I muttered a hello and mentioned it's a surprise to see him so early. He said almost the same thing and he just woke up and can't sleep anymore. He was snoring when I left our shared room so what happened while I was in the shower? His girl friend probably called him and woke him up because my chatty sister told me he went out this afternoon to help his friend look for a place or something.

Anyway, he was acting weird this morning. He asked where my interview will be and helped me locate it in the website then he kept playing the OPM songs which he never did. The songs. Uhhh...the songs were mostly love songs by bands which were all about a person yearning for the love of another who doesn't look at him or her the same way. It was creepy. He was even singing out loud in the background while cooking omelette and toasting the bread.

After smoking one cigarette and spraying myself with my favorite perfume, I dashed towards the nearest exit. He got out from the kitchen and asked if I'm already leaving because he just cooked omelette for breakfast. I mumbled about having difficulty finding a cab and ran for dear life. 

"That was close." I don't need this kind of crap before an interview. Thank goodness, the mind over matter worked or I would have blabbed on and on with the new potential employer.

If he's happy with his love life, he can shout it to the whole world and sing merry songs for all I care but would it be alright if he does it when he's alone? His indifference is preferable to this mode. I think I'm going to throw up if I see him singing love songs again.

Being asked by my sister and friends to date a friend's friend is another but seeing my roomie with the love bug is utterly unacceptable. I might decide to go home soon if this continues to happen. Love is great but it's not for me. Not this time. I'm happy for the rest of humanity but I am better off alone right now.

Aug 2, 2011

Demi Lovato Everytime You Lie Music Video

A different side of Demi Lovato.

I enjoyed listening to this video. Cute! :)

The one with in between

Have you ever experienced the feeling like the world is passing you by yet you're stuck in the same place? I call it being in the "in between" period. I am undergoing this phase again. I am lost in the solitary moments of nothingness. I am a slave of my lazy mood swings and restless feet.

The busy streets of Singapore comforted my dark and empty soul this afternoon. After a sweaty interview with a Japanese girl in a bank at 11 AM, I gave myself some time to breathe by eating an early lunch and smoking 2 sticks outside Harbourfront to prepare myself for the inevitable meeting with the 2 persons who hired me in my first job here who also took them away.

I gathered my nerves and headed to the place that had been familiar to me from the last 2 months. My manager was cold as ice. She tried to show compassion by telling me she advised the headhunter to look for another job for me and I lost all the hurtful words in my head. I remembered uttering thanks to her and then left in just a few seconds. 

I have never felt like a burglar who got caught stealing cheese. What have I ever done to deserve this treatment? She tried showing me she still cared yet I did not feel a thing.My open-mindedness kicked in and I was thinking it's either she's a hypocrite or I became as cold as an iceberg that would take years to thaw. 

After this intense scene, I went to the headhunter's office and surrendered my card. It was like giving a part of my soul to a stranger. I displayed nonchalance as I gave up my memories in the card. I kept telling myself, "You already had both sides of the card scanned and the copy is in your hard disk. There's no use crying over a stupid card that has your name and job description on it." 

This chant worked while I was in the building. It was another matter when I left the area. I found myself walking in Orchard Road although I do not enjoy being alone at a time like this. I was lost in the sea of people who are walking by with a purpose. I was there but my head is in another universe.

There's this inner feeling of loss that I can't seem to get rid off. It's definitely not the same as losing a loved one but it has half the impact. I know they are words written on a card but it had a sentimental value to me. 

When I was a kid, I had a difficult time throwing old test papers away because I knew I worked hard on them. I got over the anxiety after seeing the unreadable handwriting because the paper turned almost yellow, similar to a historical document.

Anyway, my mind kept butting in, telling me the idea of walking without any direction is insane while my heart kept saying that it's the best thing to do at the moment. I was fighting with myself in the MRT. This is probably one of the craziest things I've ever done. It's a good thing the conversation in my head was not heard of by anyone or else I would have been arrested by the police here thinking I escaped from the mental institution nearby.

I drowned myself in the only thing that would comfort me in the midst of all these--books. As usual, I got lost but it's very minimal compared to the previous experiences. My heart was singing Allelujah when I smelled the aroma of new books wafting in the air. It's like the spiritual feeling in a church except this one's for my psychological satisfaction. It was like coming home and smelling my Mom's home-cooked meals.

I've browsed thru various books that my hands could grab on. I was planning to buy this bookmark to commemorate the day of my demise. I carried the thing for a few minutes and thought it's weird to buy a bookmark worth almost $7 without any book. I searched for a book in the bargain but I can't seem to find one that I like. Eventually I got tired of it and decided to leave the store without any damage to my Nets. 

It took all my willpower to get out of the store without any item on hand. This must be what they call "maturity". It's full of crap. I decided to go home since it's almost 5 PM. Before going home, I seemed to feel this heaviness in my head. 

I am tired of my long hair. My mind was buzzing with ideas on the type of haircut to have. All of a sudden, I am excited to do something with my hair. Before this event happened, I had to smoke again. Stressful day.

I finally got the courage to walk again and found--a barber shop. Whoa. Hold on. I cannot possibly get a haircut there. No way.

I walked back and forth in the surrounding area and there's no salon to cut my rope-like hair. It seemed to be a huge burden at the time because it's getting too hot. I cannot breathe with my long hair! It needs to be shortened-badly. I asked one sales person from Watson's--of all places--if she knows any salon in the area. She can't help but smile and said no. I looked like an idiot and was given a no. Ding, ding, ding! Time's up. Enough of the crazy ideas.

With sagging shoulders, I went home and settled on the couch. I didn't know Roomie was still there. I was staring at nothing with the fan blowing at my face because I am overheating from too much walking; I'm definitely not a jogger anymore. I immediately grabbed my cell to avoid further interrogations of the inner turmoil in my fat head. 

He had this bed-rumpled hair and unfocused eyes that spelled "I just woke up". I muttered something like "I didn't know you're there." 

To make the long story short, I ended up giving him a summary of the interview and then shared a bit about the cold manager. He replied with, "She's like that all the time, right?" I just agreed to end the conversation. 

The huge silence was deafening. It would've been better if I talked to myself. I would have gotten more answers than I was expecting from him. He is about to go to work and I understand that as an excuse. 

If he really didn't have time, he should have continued his daily routine and ignored me completely. It would have been better that way instead of leaving me with an impression of being judged which was the last thing on my list of most hated emotions after all the emotional roller coaster I've been through. 

I should have listened to my instinct and did not tell him about my awesome day.

My sister, the best listener of all, gave me lectures about doing this and that. Roomie and my sister must have been siblings in their past life because the only difference they have when it comes to being judgmental is that my sister puts them into words and he keeps his mouth shut. 

I don't like puzzles if it's not in apps or real-life games. Too much stress is giving me ulcers and I'm having a hard time sleeping. I want to curse and break plates but it wouldn't do anything. More than anything, my pride was hurt. Being fired was one thing but being judged by my own sister and roomie, it's too much to handle.

If they're robbers, I just want to surrender. I am tired of playing. Please rob me as fast as you can so we can get it over and done with.

Is it too much to listen to someone? Or maybe it's just me. I always relied on people when the going gets tough. I haven't been alone when a storm hits the center of TEQUILA. She's always been with a lemon who will listen to her rants and raves. 

Maybe this is another lesson for me. I should learn to survive on my own because I've always depended on others for support. I should learn to cope up without broadcasting my never-ending complaints and traumatic events.

Sometimes a girl who got her knees bruised, needs to rest in between the surprise of getting wounded and the realization that it would leave a scar to put her life back together. 

Jul 24, 2011

The one with moving forward

When I woke up today, I had this surge of energy to get over my dramatic life. I planned to make myself busy. I cleaned the house, threw out the trash, did the laundry and drank coffee while smoking. I know it's not good for me due to ulcer effects but it seemed to work. I drank 1 can of beer last night and it didn't do the trick. I just ate loaf with Nutella this morning to keep my numb heart alive. 

I am tired of feeling down. This is probably my way of coping up with stress. 

Hope it helps because I don't know what else will.

Jul 23, 2011

The one with failure

My colleague once asked me thru the chat at work:

"Why is it so difficult to be happy?"

I answered:

"They say happiness is a state of mind. Maybe if we think we are happy,eventually we will. Besides, being sad gives us wrinkles, we wouldn't want that, do we?"

It was like a funny remark at that time and right now I badly needed to hear it from someone who can make me laugh even for a few seconds. 

I failed the third test call at work and I am not sure of the upcoming events. The trainers told me it will depend on the managers' decision on Monday. I asked them if I still need to report to work next week and they had this funny look on their faces before saying, "Of course and the managers will let us know how to proceed."

My sister accompanied me in the walk of failure in Dhoby Ghaut. We had a little fight about eating dinner because she refused to join me in my stress-relieving hobby of eating when I'm feeling down. She said she's starting this new diet but she'll accompany me in my misery. 

So much for company. I should have eaten dinner by myself because it would not make any difference. Her presence was like a shadow that doesn't speak any words of comfort nor willing to lend an ear. It simply follows me around but that's the end of it.

This must be one of the lowest days of my life. No. This would probably be the lowest point of my entire life.

I used to have depressing days but there are friends I can count on to listen or will hang out with me anywhere like a coffee shop and the world will be full of hope again. 

What have I done last year to deserve this karma today?

Miserable encounters on my favorite day-Friday:

-Failed UAT.

-Headache due to first day of the red sea.

-Tons of work assigned by colleagues who didn't seem to notice I'm drowning in cases to follow up.

-Embarrassing moment in the bus when I almost fell after removing my hand from the railing when I was about to yawn.

-Telling a colleague that I failed UAT and seeing her look of surprise then walking away from me after giving a nod.

-Admitting to the trainers that I'm not feeling well and telling them I understand it's not an excuse.

-Being a liar by saying "I'm fine" to the trainer who asked how I'm feeling after giving me hideous comments about the call like I'm one of the casts in the "Biggest Loser" show.

-Waiting for colleagues with the hope of unwinding after work then realizing it's not going to happen.

-Excited for dinner at a restaurant with my gay house mates then receiving a call from one of them that it's canceled.

-Crying like a baby in the TV series and making an excuse that I was affected by the death of the mother  in the show although reality hit me when I realized I'd probably lose my job next week!


Why is it so difficult to be happy???

Is it because we expect too much? Does it come with a price all the time? Am I being too impatient? Should we always end up broken inside to experience joy?

If this is a test from Him, I must look like a tiny dot in His eyes now. I am tired of all these chaos and it never seemed to end. I am afraid that one day I will become addicted to the materialistic motivations of the people around me. I am afraid that it will turn me into a gadget hogger and branded freak. I am afraid that this experience will turn me into someone else that I would not recognize in the mirror.

I am afraid of tomorrow and the days that will come-the unknown scares me the most. Unanswered questions puzzle me and it makes me feel helpless. 

Lord, can we have a break from all the extra challenge days? We can continue this some other time and I'll be more prepared but today I am almost batt empty. 

Jun 26, 2011

The one with woodlands

I woke up early to meet my friends from my previous job in Woodlands and watch a friend in a cheerdance competition. It was a gathering of Filipinos in SG. An exhilarating adventure that led me to know 2 more people who made me feel how lucky I am in this life. Although my friend's team lost in the competition, it was worth it to wake up early on a Sunday morning because I saw her do the booty shake! I had tons of fun which was followed by a coffee moment with my gay friend. We had a loooong chat about our lives and I am so glad I decided to meet them despite lacking enough sleep. It was like a patient talking to her psychiatrist for free. All my burdens from the last few days have been lifted somehow. My most recent family problem was a huge surprise and I am clueless as to how to respond to this new challenge He gave me. I am planning to face it soon but for now I'd rather keep my silence until my mind is clear enough to understand how I should solve them. Time to sleep!

Jun 19, 2011

The one with the bridge

We walked for a few kilometers today near Mountbatten and my sister along with another housemate shared with me this amazing bridge with a great view of the city at night. It was the view I was seeing whenever I go home from work. The bridge has the clean and peaceful river underneath it which made it perfect. I never thought these little things like walking in the bridge would remove all the stress I had for the whole week. I didn't even feel bored even though there were silent moments during the walk. The scenery was very serene and calm. The evening was like a dream and taking a picture of it was satisfying although it's far from the real magic it brings to those who found its beauty.

Jun 15, 2011

The one with blessings

My sister got a good news today. She was offered to start with her new job with an unexpectedly generous salary although it's only for 3-4 months at a prestigious bank. She was literally jumping with joy (I can't believe it myself with her weight but she did). God is great!

I met a lot of Filipino team mates who were nice and friendly. One of them even offered to include me in their Poker games every Saturday because they need one more player. I just smiled, not knowing how to respond. It was overwhelming to be invited to join them and to be a part of a new group again.

I was caught using my mobile phone without the headset on earlier when I did the buddy-up. I just smiled because I don't think the Indian trainer would believe my explanation anyway. The truth was, the agent is already assigning the ticket and simply letting the caller know about it. The call is almost done and I had just removed the headset. It was an unlucky incident since I've been looking out for the hawk since morning and she still saw me when I had just pulled out my phone from my pocket. Good thing I haven't added her in FB yet. Moving forward, I'll make sure to avoid these lousy moments. The blessings are still getting better and better. 

I miss my family and friends whenever I ride the bus alone. The great view of the bridge connecting the land with all the tourist spots in between was wonderful but it's not the same without any of them. I always have my headset in my ears with the usual songs that remind me of the past to keep me company. It soothes the homesickness somehow. Specific songs remind me of different moments with them and it's enough for now. I kept telling myself that soon I'll see all of them and life will be the same again. There's no room for sadness when there's an unknown time to be happy about the great things in between. 

Jun 9, 2011

The one with pavements

I am hooked to this song "Chasing Pavements" by Adele. My favorite part of the song is:

I build myself up
And fly around in circles
Waitin' as my heart drops
And my back begins to tingle
Finally, could this be it

Should I give up,
Or should I just keep chasin' pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere
Or would it be a waste
Even if I knew my place
Should I leave it there
Should I give up,
Or should I just keep chasin' pavements
Even if it leads nowhere

I walked with my newfound friend who's from Myanmar for the second time since we started our training last weekend. Everyone has this idea that I am head over heels in love with him and the truth is--I am fascinated with him. He is interesting to speak with because he doesn't talk like other guys do. He is a gentleman. He shows respect in each and every move he makes. He also has a girlfriend and I do not have any romantic interest in him. Period. I am interested in a brotherly way since I never had a brother.

Time flew by and I just can't seem to make it stop. I got blisters on my feet and each of them marks the moments of hardships that I had to go through to get my life on track. I've been floating into different jobs that I wasn't sure of without any direction. This is the closest I've come where I believe I'm on to something riskier than I've ever been in my life. I've always been satisfied to be in the sidelines and I finally took the reins to be where I want to be for the first time.

I'm in the first week of product training and I am lost in all the acronyms flying everywhere. The trainer is reading all the slides in the Powerpoint and it is a bit annoying but we don't have a choice on the matter. Life is different in Singapore. Spoonfeeding days are over. We should try to learn everything on our own or we'll drown. The trainer is also a Filipino but she is oozing with indifference that she didn't even notice everyone's bored to death while she continuously reads through the material. 

My 2 other friends who are from the Philippines were a blessing although they cannot compensate for the loss I felt when I left my friends from work. It is really a HUGE adjustment. With the shared bedroom and bathroom, the changes I experienced were not as expected but I'm coping with it day after day. It is a miracle that I'm no longer losing my way to work and back home. It is a surprise that I had the courage to speak to people of different races which I wouldn't have done on a normal day. Lastly, it is a shock that I am thinking the decisions in my life on my own this time.

I must admit that most of my life had been dependent on my family's suggestions and recommendations. It had been acceptable and beneficial for me; however, I came to the point that I was suffocated. I wanted to be completely free to decide for myself. I don't want to regret not doing the things I wanted to do. I will go to Paris (hopefully soon!) and I will save enough to buy my own place I can call home.

These pavements will remind me that life goes on whatever happens. With or without any man, I will become a happy woman. I promised myself that I will make the most out of my life whatever happens. God is very generous in giving me 28 years of my life and I will make sure He feels I'm grateful for every minute of it. 

May 14, 2011

The one with the 13th of Friday

I got lucky on Friday the 13th! The HR who referred me to a job called when I woke up and told me I got accepted to the first and only company that interviewed me. I lost all hope yesterday when I didn't receive any call. God is great. He does things you least expect and this was by far the most surprising event in the 28th year of my life. Thank you for all the blessings and I hope I can return all these in my own way somehow.  

May 9, 2011

The one with the 10th of May

Spell DREAD. Yes, dread. 

I am in Singapore now and everything happened in a blur. This is my second week and I landed on an interview for a job that my sister rejected. To put it nicely, I got an interview for a job which has a lower rate than my sister's monthly salary so she referred me to it. 

I am getting nervous about all of it. Going there (although my sister and her friend walked me through going there until the floor where I'll have the interview), answering the technical questions (the interviewer asked me to review but did not specify which one to study) and facing the consequences of failure. 

Paranoia is gripping me all over. My sister's friend, let's call him Garrett, also works in the same building, same floor and almost the same type of job. Coincidence? It's the least of my concerns right now although I must admit that it's been bothering me too. If I get hired, we might ride the same bus to work and back to the house. It's weird. I might have a different shift though because it's 24/7. Well, before I think about any of those things, I need to pass the interview first.

I really hope I get there on time and wouldn't lose my way. I am not that gifted with directions. As far as I'm concerned, whatever happens would be depended to fate. If it's the job that's meant for me, regardless of the salary, I'll gladly accept it. Wish me luck!

Jan 8, 2011

The one with bones

2011 started with a bang. Yes, a huge loud bang that left me deaf. Thanks to my sponsors, "Cough" and "Flu" for your overwhelming support that until today, both of you haven't left my side. Your consistent surprise never ceased to amaze me. This had been the longest endorsement since I turned 20. 

Life is becoming too busy nowadays. I feel like my 2 days off of work is merely 2 hours of rest. It passes by without the usual excitement for the upcoming week. There's no drum rolls, not even a whistle, which would allow me to think that the weekend happened. It is becoming similar to a routine that I had to go through before the next wave comes over and I'm in deep water again. Why didn't we create 5 days of rest and 2 days of work instead? THAT would have been awesome.

I hardly recognize myself when I look in the mirror. The huge circle under my eyes are glaring at me. It seems to scream very loudly sometimes that I am becoming a pathetic lat-wenty's girl. I can see it talking to me saying, "Is this what you wanted with your life?" or sometimes ."Do you want to be alone forever?" and very often it asks me this, "What are you waiting for?".

The last question haunts me even in my sleep. The other day my cousin told me that she had a fright when I woke up in the middle of the night after continuously talking in my sleep. I woke up at that time to go to the bathroom and pee. It wasn't my intention to scare her but she said I was talking in my sleep like I was mad at someone and lo and behold, it's in English. 

Okay, so I talk in my sleep. Not a big deal right? What bothers me is the answer to the last question. What am I waiting for. It's such a short question which weighs a ton on my shoulders.

I'm sure Dr. Temperance Brennan, the forensic anthropologist from the TV series "Bones" would have this kind of explanation:

"Human beings will, at some period in their lives, undergo certain circumstances for them to further explore their innate sense of belongingness. It is an anthropological inevitability that we will seek a higher form of standard which constitutes our definition of normalcy."

When I'm seated in my favorite place at home, the toilet (I know that's weird but it's where I ponder over the daily happenings in my little world), I often wonder how easy everything would be like if I wanted the same thing as other girls. 

Most often than not, women tend to dream of marrying someday and having kids of their own and the whole shebang. I was a dreamer in high school but whoever I was then and now are two different dimensions. I was swallowed by the necessity of earning money to secure my family's future. It became the motivation above all motivations and I suddenly find myself lost in the whirlwind of events.

I am now in a limbo of what would I want to do next after being suffocated by tons of work. I wanted to be surrounded by too much work on some days to avoid asking myself the same question. Unfortunately, when the day ends and I have to travel the usual longer route of going home, I am left with no choice but to accept the fact that the question remains hanging at the back of my head, waiting for a response.

I wish I can be Dr. Brennan, aka "Bones". She would definitely have a larger-than-life answer to it based on science and not theories based on assumptions. I would love to have her insight at this point. However difficult  that may be.