Have you ever noticed that your subconscious is on overdrive? I thought I'm losing it sometimes--not really; somehow it reminds me of an Ally-McBeal-the-lawyer-kind-of-hyper-mode-which-has-disturbing-yet-funny scenes that get me distracted at random moments when I should be focusing on something else.
Well here goes the list...
Top 10 Thoughts of the Subconscious (I wish I can delete):
10. Seeing you in the path going to the nearest convenient store where we used to bump into each other and you greet me surprisingly by hitting the back of my knees with your own. Okay, now I'm using the long-cut and making a new direction. Take note: new direction not One direction.
9. Cooking pasta a la Master Chef while trying to impress the other by not being too obvious which made it obviously the purpose. Yes, I am the only one who judges my own cooked meals and so far it passed the "edible" criteria. Oh and there's my sister but she's a forced volunteer.
8. Cleaning the room which makes me avoid it because it's always not clean enough compared to your kiss-ass manner of eliminating any dust from any part of the room (or the entire unit when you're really in the mood).
7. Folding plastic bags in triangular shapes the way you taught me. This is a constant debate when I do grocery, which makes me so frustrated I simply tie it up and put it in the bin. Or I throw them with the rest of the trash. Off you go with the rest of your friends, buddy.
6. Making the bed upon waking up. I remember how you neatly fold it whenever you got up from bed and because of this memory, I usually leave with an unmade bed when I take a bath to avoid imitating your habits. Sometimes when I'm running late, I leave without even looking back at its state. Happy now?
5. Folding my newly washed clothes in neat piles the way you do them is a struggle while there's a debate whether to make it look like it's been ironed or simply fold them in the most ordinary way possible. Spell confused (C R A Z Y or L O O N Y?).
4. Your bread toaster always stares at me in the kitchen when I wash the dishes that I want to scream at it and throw it out the window.
3. The flat iron sits inside my cabinet because I choose clothes that no longer need ironing and only use it when there's absolutely no other presentable outfit available. You replaced it because you broke the old one remember?
2. You'll come pick me up as a surprise at work one day while I'm taking a break on my usual late night shift outside my office building. I know- too much of a fairytale to happen. R-I-G-H-T. WAKE ME UP.
1. The most ridiculous one is finding you waiting in the doorstep of our new unit where you'll tell me the answers I wanted to hear if only I was brave enough to ask the questions while you were still here.
I removed you from my newsfeed but it wasn't enough. After 6 months of not looking, I saw my fingers typing your name on the search friends and voila- your profile is on my screen. I scrolled and scrolled until I've read all there was to know about you since you left. My mind went to La La land and I don't want to be sappy all over again.
My FB is now on hibernate mode. Maybe that's because I don't want to hear anything from you. Not even see a "like" on any of my posts from you. It leads to more THOUGHTS.
I want to be free from this cycle of trip down memory lane that drags me down to someone I don't want to become because I fell in love with the person who will never love me back. I want to move on. If it takes staying away from social networking sites or other forms of technology, so be it. I want my life back.
I want the old me who can withstand any storm, no matter how heavy it is or how weak I am outside. At the end of the day, I know I can stand up again and face another typhoon. After you were gone, I've been a mess. I don't recognize who I was and I love the old me. The "seize-the-day" girl who wants to accomplish many tasks in a day without a pause. The old me who finds one hobby after another to fill the time because she hates idleness. She cries one moment and then she's okay after doing a chore or watching a good film. I love life and I will continue to live my dream for myself and not for anyone else.
From this day forward, I will not let any thought of the top 10 above to be my setback(s) towards reaching my goals. I will be happy too and when I see you, my smile will be something you'll remember because you were never a part of that happiness when you decided to leave with a proper goodbye.