Oct 3, 2013

The one with the believer

Wow. It's been a year. 

I don't know what to say. So this is it huh? This is how it would feel like after a year of attempting to live fully after losing the person you thought was the one. 

Why do I sound like a grumpy old hag? Yes, maybe being 30 and still loveless sucks. I am no Ted Mosby who had searched and found "the one" after relentless pursuits of the unknown but for the love of all crappy undefined hearts out there, why am I still wandering aimlessly searching for who knows what?

I gave up on blaming. Even my sister scolded me once and told me to stop putting the blame on her all the time about any ridiculous stuff that we argue about. 

He is not the person to blame on all these non-existent events in my life. I am. For whatever had happened last year, it had brought me to places I have never been and I am grateful. Except for the fact that the missing piece is still missing. When he left, it wasn't just my heart that I thought he took--it was HOPE...

Since I was in college, my best gay friend (who passed away-bless his soul up there) knew that I am a believer. Yes, it's true-as stupid as that may sound.

I told him that I am a believer of fate & destiny. That every human being has that one person he or she is destined to be with no matter how long or how far they are from each other. True love exists in my world for as long as I can remember. 

When I was in grade school, I've read and borrowed almost all kinds of fairytale books in the library and I (the ultimate fool) believed in all those fictional stories about a frog that turns into a prince, a prince rescuing a princess from the tower, a prince waking up a princess through a kiss and even the prince that found the love of his life using a missing shoe. Call me a fool but back then those were the greatest stories ever been written in history (I hate history but this was the only exception).

How in the world did I end up here? I remember debating with a friend on the planned marrying age. I thought 28 was ideal but 30 is perfect. I am 30 now and I have no one. My friend who was a slut in college is now married with a baby girl who posts non-stop of her baby's every move and cute little outfits in FB. I am tired of hitting the "Like" button. 

I want to deactivate my profile again but most of the relatives and friends can only be contacted through it which leaves me no other choice. 

Lately, I started questioning myself. What is wrong with me? I am definitely not a lesbian. How come I don't meet the right kind of men? Most of them turns out to be gay or future gay. Gay magnet? Naaah. Curse me not. 

I'm just sick of being alone and it happens frequently from the last few weeks because of my shifting schedule at work. 

I end up alone at home thinking about talking to someone and then realizing, "Hey, you don't have anyone you can text about your boss who kept pissing you off or that colleague who bullies you or that elevator lady who looked down on you..etc".

Most often than not, what scares me is when I think of anyone to send my blabs, I end up thinking of him again. Of all people. Him. I'm afraid that if I do not meet anyone new, I'll be this woman forever waiting for a man to love her. I cannot be that horrible, pathetic, desperate and psychotic woman. 

After watching 8 seasons of HIMYM, I became aware of having no one in my life who will be there for me when I need to talk about anything under the sun or who can sit with me in a coffee shop to simply hang out without speaking when I am feeling down or listen to me when I can't keep my mouth shut about what's happening in my life or at work or even a basic HUG. No one.   

Maybe the worst part in living is when you do not have someone in your life. I am not exactly alone. I have my family. I have tons of friends. Real life and virtual friends. But sometimes we long for someone who will be there for us at a time when no one seems to care or no one seemed to notice except that one person who will know whatever you're feeling underneath the laughter and smile. 

I wish I can find him soon because this me who believes in fairytales and the happily ever after is slowly fading.

The worst possible ending of my story is -- when the right one comes along, he might not see the girl who once believed them all. 

No comments: