I'm getting addicted to this song...a nice rainbow song that delighted my negative zero heart.
I had a "second-round" interview earlier and it was just fine. As usual, there were no signs from the blank faces of the interviewers. Not even a glimpse of hope that I would be hired or considered for the position. I'm still hoping for a miracle.
I was praying loudly earlier and talking to myself. I didn't know one of our housemates was in her room because she's absent due to a headache. Good thing she woke up late. I'm not sure if she heard me reading my cover letter out loud or when I was talking to myself. Talk about embarrassing moments! Anyway, I had fun spending time with her than being alone. We watched funny Korean games on TV and it was pure laughter. A breather in my overly boring day.
Meanwhile, the room mate is still mysterious as ever. A friend of his came to stay here for a couple of days who must have been my most hated person in the previous life. I meant, how can roomie be friends with such an ass???
When his friend was asked about the reason for a gay friend’s philandering habits, his only answer was this, “It is a man’s nature to seek different partners because it all depends on the performance.”
Wow. For such a short time, my impression of him was turned upside down. I kept quiet as a respect to roomie and to him as our guest. On a normal getting-to-know day with a stranger, I would have given him a tongue-lashing paragraph. I would have insulted him with questions he would never imagine I can say in front of him. I told myself to calm down despite the beer effects because it was a drinking session.
It took me a few minutes to recover so all I did was smoke a few cigarettes, change the topic and move on. In some parts of the conversation, I was teased by the gay friend that the visitor is available and roomie laughed. Roomie made a joke that I might run into the room because of the teasing. How did he know about my little escape moments from the few men in my life? Maybe it was my sister and her big mouth.
I replied with another joke that made them all laugh to avoid further embarrassment. It’s a good thing I only had 2 cans of beer or I would have blurted everything that’s on my mind and made a fool of myself. I cannot believe I endured that evening. You wouldn’t really know your limits until you reach the edge of madness. I gave up after drinking the last sip of beer and called it a night.
The visitor left yesterday and I’ve never been happier. I’m stressed enough as it is with my life, my family and my career, which is going nowhere. In the midst of all these, I realized His presence. I got a call from a headhunter earlier for a position I’d love to have after talking to Him about giving me a sign. It must be His response. Thank you for the wake-up call!
A friend told me once, "never question Him for whatever’s happening in your life". I know she’s right but lately I’ve been wondering how to go on each day not knowing what will happen tomorrow or the day after that. It is scary and for the first time I felt like I am stuck in a hole, unable to escape or move. I am tired of crying because it’s not getting me anywhere. I am tired of showing a happy face when I’m so empty inside. I never thought I would be in the position wherein I am having a battle with myself.
There are moments when I hate hearing laughter from others yet it makes me feel good when I’m part of it. It reduces the stress but after a while when reality sinks in, I go back to the sad zone again.
I am trying my best to be okay because I know everyone here is concerned as well as family back home. I miss the old life back home where I can sit back, relax and laugh at my unfortunate events for real. I miss chatting with friends who listen. I miss not caring what will happen tomorrow.
This must be what growing up is all about.