The one with countdown

In the next 2 months I will hit the age of my grand exit in the calendar. Hooray! Or not.

Big deal. Not exactly. 

For me? It's more of a countdown to all the accomplishments I had as an individual. When I say accomplishments - I am not referring to certificates, medals and the likes. Give me a break. 

I meant personal goals that I accomplished. It is more in the line of achieving my own list of things to do before I turn 31.

Since I am running out of time, I'll come up with my top 10 and post them in 2 months to see if I did even half of it.

Some of what I have in mind are very simple tasks which I have never done in my 30 years of existence. I want to correct them or at least give justice to the time I spent living on this planet with such selfish purposes.

I hope to be of service to others in my own little ways and I'll start with that. 

Here's to the me - version 30.0! It has a nasty taste on my tongue. 

Alright- let's make it version 2.0. 

Be back in 2 months with the update! :)

The one with New Year

Boom. There I was at 9 PM sitting on the couch, not knowing where to go: to my sister's friend's house to celebrate it with a family I hardly know or to join my friends in the NY's Eve countdown in front of Marina Bay Sands with the rest of mankind. Well, this was a first for me- no plans at all for New Year's eve.

I initially imagined spending it at work but my overly kind boss let me go home earlier than expected. He even bought me a gift which was a first since I've been with the company for more than a year and I didn't get any present from him on any occasion. With neverending advices and suggestions (like a father will say to his niece), he let me get out of the cab unscathed from his innuendos of me getting married by this age (30-ouch!). Yes, I am of age- but my brain seemed to contradict every second I hear the TH in thirty.

I mean cut the crap. All of us get to this age and all of us deserve to be given the chance to decide whether to go through with marriage or not. I told him several times-marriage is not for everyone. I may want to in the near future but I don't want to be pushed into it simply because almost everyone I know has a baby! 

Anyway, I went through the whole ordeal of dragging my butt in the overly crowded MBS to meet friends who also want to celebrate New Year outside their homes. I must admit it was a great idea to welcome New Year that way instead of moping around at home waiting for my sister to arrive and end up watching some sad movie or show online while crying for the passing of my 2013. The TH year. Uughh.

We stayed there for an hour or so while listening to different bands and artists singing songs from various languages that I had to drink a beer to cool me down. Finally, the fireworks started and I was in awe of all the lights flashing and burning the sky like a sign that this year will be unique among the rest. 

It brought memories of the last New Years I spent since childhood. Me sitting on the bed, jotting down some NY's resolution on my diary then running down the stairs 10 minutes before NY to join my family in the fireworks display activities in front of our home. 

I wanted to hug someone that night and I received cheek-kisses from friends. Well, it was more than I expected and surely compensated the no-hug evening. I invited them over because I didn't feel like being alone on the first day of the year. We watched different New Years Eve being celebrated all over the world and then chatted some more over Bacardi before they left.

I used to think that being with my family doing the usual activities before New Year is a pain because I cannot be with friends to do something fun.I never knew that I'll miss all those scheduled activities right before New Year like the slicing of pineapples for the fruit salad, the non-stop taste tests of all the food being cooked by my nanny since I was 5, my Dad and me watching action movies while waiting for 11 PM, my Mom asking me to put coins in my pockets before it hits 12 and the long hours chatting while making chicken strips for Bihon (noodles). 

I missed all of those activities that this New Year felt hollow to me although my friends are like family away from home. I miss the moments that we are together and sometimes I can't help but feel like I'm missing out on a lot like what my Boss said. Boom. 

The one with the believer

Wow. It's been a year. 

I don't know what to say. So this is it huh? This is how it would feel like after a year of attempting to live fully after losing the person you thought was the one. 

Why do I sound like a grumpy old hag? Yes, maybe being 30 and still loveless sucks. I am no Ted Mosby who had searched and found "the one" after relentless pursuits of the unknown but for the love of all crappy undefined hearts out there, why am I still wandering aimlessly searching for who knows what?

I gave up on blaming. Even my sister scolded me once and told me to stop putting the blame on her all the time about any ridiculous stuff that we argue about. 

He is not the person to blame on all these non-existent events in my life. I am. For whatever had happened last year, it had brought me to places I have never been and I am grateful. Except for the fact that the missing piece is still missing. When he left, it wasn't just my heart that I thought he took--it was HOPE...

Since I was in college, my best gay friend (who passed away-bless his soul up there) knew that I am a believer. Yes, it's true-as stupid as that may sound.

I told him that I am a believer of fate & destiny. That every human being has that one person he or she is destined to be with no matter how long or how far they are from each other. True love exists in my world for as long as I can remember. 

When I was in grade school, I've read and borrowed almost all kinds of fairytale books in the library and I (the ultimate fool) believed in all those fictional stories about a frog that turns into a prince, a prince rescuing a princess from the tower, a prince waking up a princess through a kiss and even the prince that found the love of his life using a missing shoe. Call me a fool but back then those were the greatest stories ever been written in history (I hate history but this was the only exception).

How in the world did I end up here? I remember debating with a friend on the planned marrying age. I thought 28 was ideal but 30 is perfect. I am 30 now and I have no one. My friend who was a slut in college is now married with a baby girl who posts non-stop of her baby's every move and cute little outfits in FB. I am tired of hitting the "Like" button. 

I want to deactivate my profile again but most of the relatives and friends can only be contacted through it which leaves me no other choice. 

Lately, I started questioning myself. What is wrong with me? I am definitely not a lesbian. How come I don't meet the right kind of men? Most of them turns out to be gay or future gay. Gay magnet? Naaah. Curse me not. 

I'm just sick of being alone and it happens frequently from the last few weeks because of my shifting schedule at work. 

I end up alone at home thinking about talking to someone and then realizing, "Hey, you don't have anyone you can text about your boss who kept pissing you off or that colleague who bullies you or that elevator lady who looked down on you..etc".

Most often than not, what scares me is when I think of anyone to send my blabs, I end up thinking of him again. Of all people. Him. I'm afraid that if I do not meet anyone new, I'll be this woman forever waiting for a man to love her. I cannot be that horrible, pathetic, desperate and psychotic woman. 

After watching 8 seasons of HIMYM, I became aware of having no one in my life who will be there for me when I need to talk about anything under the sun or who can sit with me in a coffee shop to simply hang out without speaking when I am feeling down or listen to me when I can't keep my mouth shut about what's happening in my life or at work or even a basic HUG. No one.   

Maybe the worst part in living is when you do not have someone in your life. I am not exactly alone. I have my family. I have tons of friends. Real life and virtual friends. But sometimes we long for someone who will be there for us at a time when no one seems to care or no one seemed to notice except that one person who will know whatever you're feeling underneath the laughter and smile. 

I wish I can find him soon because this me who believes in fairytales and the happily ever after is slowly fading.

The worst possible ending of my story is -- when the right one comes along, he might not see the girl who once believed them all. 

The one with the subconscious talk

Have you ever noticed that your subconscious is on overdrive? I thought I'm losing it sometimes--not really; somehow it reminds me of an Ally-McBeal-the-lawyer-kind-of-hyper-mode-which-has-disturbing-yet-funny scenes that get me distracted at random moments when I should be focusing on something else.

Well here goes the list...

Top 10 Thoughts of the Subconscious (I wish I can delete): 

10. Seeing you in the path going to the nearest convenient store where we used to bump into each other and you greet me surprisingly by hitting the back of my knees with your own. Okay, now I'm using the long-cut and making a new direction. Take note: new direction not One direction.

9. Cooking pasta a la Master Chef while trying to impress the other by not being too obvious which made it obviously the purpose. Yes, I am the only one who judges my own cooked meals and so far it passed the "edible" criteria. Oh and there's my sister but she's a forced volunteer. 

8. Cleaning the room which makes me avoid it because it's always not clean enough compared to your kiss-ass manner of eliminating any dust from any part of the room (or the entire unit when you're really in the mood).

7. Folding plastic bags in triangular shapes the way you taught me. This is a constant debate when I do grocery, which makes me so frustrated I simply tie it up and put it in the bin. Or I throw them with the rest of the trash. Off you go with the rest of your friends, buddy.

6. Making the bed upon waking up. I remember how you neatly fold it whenever you got up from bed and because of this memory, I usually leave with an unmade bed when I take a bath to avoid imitating your habits. Sometimes when I'm running late, I leave without even looking back at its state. Happy now?

5.  Folding my newly washed clothes in neat piles the way you do them is a struggle while there's a debate whether to make it look like it's been ironed or simply fold them in the most ordinary way possible. Spell confused (C R A Z Y or L O O N Y?).

4. Your bread toaster always stares at me in the kitchen when I wash the dishes that I want to scream at it and throw it out the window.

3. The flat iron sits inside my cabinet because I choose clothes that no longer need ironing and only use it when there's absolutely no other presentable outfit available. You replaced it because you broke the old one remember?

2. You'll come pick me up as a surprise at work one day while I'm taking a break on my usual late night shift outside my office building. I know- too much of a fairytale to happen. R-I-G-H-T. WAKE ME UP.

1. The most ridiculous one is finding you waiting in the doorstep of our new unit where you'll tell me the answers I wanted to hear if only I was brave enough to ask the questions while you were still here. 

:(

Inkdrops:

I removed you from my newsfeed but it wasn't enough. After 6 months of not looking, I saw my fingers typing your name on the search friends and voila- your profile is on my screen. I scrolled and scrolled until I've read all there was to know about you since you left. My mind went to La La land and I don't want to be sappy all over again. 

My FB is now on hibernate mode. Maybe that's because I don't want to hear anything from you. Not even see a "like" on any of my posts from you. It leads to more THOUGHTS. 

I want to be free from this cycle of trip down memory lane that drags me down to someone I don't want to become because I fell in love with the person who will never love me back. I want to move on. If it takes staying away from social networking sites or other forms of technology, so be it. I want my life back.

I want the old me who can withstand any storm, no matter how heavy it is or how weak I am outside. At the end of the day, I know I can stand up again and face another typhoon. After you were gone, I've been a mess. I don't recognize who I was and I love the old me. The "seize-the-day" girl who wants to accomplish many tasks in a day without a pause. The old me who finds one hobby after another to fill the time because she hates idleness. She cries one moment and then she's okay after doing a chore or watching a good film. I love life and I will continue to live my dream for myself and not for anyone else.

From this day forward, I will not let any thought of the top 10 above to be my setback(s) towards reaching my goals. I will be happy too and when I see you, my smile will be something you'll remember because you were never a part of that happiness when you decided to leave with a proper goodbye.