The one with eyes

Eyes.Sad.Lost.Pathetic.

Eyes.Curious.Glance.Meaningful.Questions.Unanswered.Silence.Sigh.

Eyes.Happy.Stories.No.TV.Yes.Life.Yours.Naah.Talk.Shallow.Pretensions.Unbearable.

Eyes.Surprised.Love.Never.Sip.Puff.Floating.Liquor.Drink.Again.Uncomfortable.

Eyes.Hatred.Friends.End.Strangers.Definitely.Unbelievable.

Eyes.Weary.Weird.Straightened.Slouched.Read.Turn.Sleep.

Eyes.Closed.Dream.You.Uggh.Shoot.Great.Ridiculous.Spare.Me.

Eyes.You.Me.Together?Unpredictable.Impossible.


Dying.

End.Life.Singapore.

Move.Out.

Soon.

Hopefully.

Please?

The one with the brain & heart

Have you ever encountered an emotion so deep it made you sleepless and bothered because you cannot identify what it is? 

I thought this will only happen when someone passes away. Death is a very sensitive topic that only a few dare to speak of it. Why not? All of us will eventually meet our own end and we should be prepared for it. We can only be confident in facing it if we have assured ourselves that leaving will be a smooth process for the ones we will leave behind but then again, no death can ever be smooth no matter how long and how much we prepare for it.

Anyway, this post is not merely about death. It's about living. I never imagined that even in the midst of an illness, a person can still have enough stamina to accomplish several tasks thrown at him or her. However, when a person reaches its unexpected limit, all the energy gets sucked right out and the person ends up drained-lifeless. In other words, this proved that emotional illness is more powerful than any physical illness. Maybe this is the reason that doctors advise of the famous quote, "Laughter is the best medicine."

My question is: Do we purposely allow ourselves to get hurt because we're enjoying it subconsciously or do we manifest some kind of hurt magnet and intentionally absorb all kinds of pain until we can no longer receive any and then our hearts become stone-like to the point of functioning only for the purpose of pumping blood to the rest of the body parts? 

I am a very complicated person. I tend to get attached to certain subjects unconsciously although the brain commands a logical advice that kept whispering it's impossible and most definitely a coincidence. The heart insisted on pushing to dwell on the impossible because the emotions dominate the throne dictating the body to pursue the subject with utmost care because it continues to believe in fate and destiny. Meanwhile, the body is more confused than ever in terms of decision-making. Who does it follow? The brain which provides the most complex information but has the reasonable explanations or the heart which depends on the intuitive powers of discerning reality from fantasy?

I'm extremely tired but I cannot sleep. Doing laundry to waste time. Maybe I'll make more sense once I have gained my old self back OR once I've regained my constant wish: (drum rolls please) 

~~~uninterrupted 8 hours of sleep. (^_^)

The one with my birthday

Grateful. Yes, I truly am. For everyone that I have met, got acquainted with and have become great friends with in my 29 years of life on earth.

Being 29 and having experienced the roller coasters of my insane life has been one hell of a ride. It has been funny most of the time but I must admit it's been fun in a weird way. We never really know when we will turn a year older than we are until we hear people say them out loud and then we realize it's not an imagination anymore.

Aging is one thing but adding another year to your age in the resume or identification card is another. It's a sickening feeling of dread for me. Especially when one would look at my status and sees the screaming word that spells S-I-N-G-L-E. Yes, I'm one of the highest contributors in our tax funds yearly for the entire country. I'm sure the government is receiving quite a huge amount of money straight from my pocket. You're welcome.

There were several greetings that were unexpected and expected since 12 midnight and the list goes on. I decided to put my phone to be charged and ignore Facebook for a while. I've had enough greetings to last a lifetime and I'm not sure if I am deeply happy knowing that people have my timeline in their heads. 

Then there's M. A HS friend who's been bugging me recently for his incoherent explanations. He is a friend and I've never looked at him differently except now that the clock is ticking, I am beginning to think differently. I kept asking myself, "If he were to be the last man on earth, would you like to spend the rest of your life with him?"

The answer is clearly a NO. Make it bold, italicized and underlined. Except that when he asked me about his chances in case he'll court me I gave him an "I don't know". It's the truth at the time. Really. It only got messed up when another guy came back from nowhere and started making his presence known again. Uggh. Complicated. Please stop my imagination from going overboard again. I beg you.

Other than the fact that he's too far (US) and LDR is not my thing, I don't feel any spark or even a hint of electricity flowing in my body for him. He is a nice guy though. I'm sure he'll be a great boyfriend because he respects women, has a caring soul and has a sense of humor but he's not my type. Considering his current financial status, I should be giving him a chance but I'm not the kind of girl who looks at bank accounts to have a stomach-fluttering feeling. No, I am the girl who simply goes with her gut.

My housemate advised me to give him a chance. She even replied to some of his messages in Viber saying I might develop feelings for him. Who knows? His exact words. I like straight-to-the-point men. He was. Kinda. It was just too late for me. If he said everything he wanted to say in the past, we might have had a chance because I was naive and gullible then. Not anymore.

Again, this is my mind rambling the random idiotic thoughts that cannot stop itself from coming out. It's exploding and I can no longer keep it inside for fear of losing my own sanity. I am mad. Mad with the world for putting me in my current state. I am in the same bedroom with the man I never liked from the start but kept confusing me over and over again who's causing a lot of sleepless days. I am mad with Fate for messing up with time and allowing M to tell me the oh-so-late confession this week right before my birthday! Why did he have to tell me that he wanted to court me but ended up with my friend because I left when he arrived in the Philippines? Why did he have to call me this stupid name-BULA (bubble)?! 

He even asked me not to disappear from him again which was odd since I was never his to begin with. I was never anyone's girl so can he cut the crap and move on? He is bugging me again with his nonsense messages of greetings (e.g. good morning, how are you?) but he didn't even remember my birthday! My room mate remembered to greet me this morning when he came home from work but most likely it's because of the endless posts in Facebook.

Don't get me wrong. Yes, I am so grateful for everything. Including the people who are making my days worse by asking me to buy them take-away from a not-so-far stall from work (even when it's raining) right before my evening starts at work. Okay, so my freshness diminished by a few inches due to the unique aroma of the place sticking to my shower-fresh clothes. Anyway, who cares? Nothing cannot be fixed by a few perfume sprays.

I am grateful because I learned more about myself with every experience. Except that it makes me go crazy sometimes. There are days when I reach home and felt like peeling all the apples in the fridge or cleaning the kitchen from too much frustration. I want to scream "Stop!" to catch my breath because it's becoming too much to handle at the same time but I don't want to end up in Changi prison so I keep my mouth shut. 

I am just 29 for goodness' sake! Give me a break. Let me live my life in peace for a day in a year. Like today perhaps since it's my birthday? 

The one with the new me

We often wonder, how far can we go? What would be the greatest obstacle in my life that would stop me from pursuing my dreams? Is it time, work or money? How about all of the above?

I wish it was that simple. My life has been nothing but a roller coaster lately. My disheveled appearance at work may spell "shit" but being tangled into a chaotic scenario is nothing compared to how I look these days. Yes, I've cut my hair into the anime-like style but it's flipping here and there when the sun rises plus my eyeglasses equals a psycho me. My memory lapses are increasing especially yesterday when my colleague was asking me to bring a document to her and I forgot what it is in a matter of seconds upon reaching the desk.

I mean c'mon, what is wrong with me? THIS is the best reason not to let your heart wander where it should not go because the brain gets left behind. My mind gets cluttered too much that the rest of mankind becomes non-existent and La-la land is a stone's throw away.

I am a mess. I watched "Unofficially Yours" online and I'm drowning in tears. When JL mentioned to AL this line, "Tama ka. Wala akong karapatang masaktan kasi hindi naman tayo", I was surprised because it was my line to myself from the last couple of months. I didn't even notice I was crying. Good thing the lights are out and my sister is still asleep. 

So I have a heart. Right. I thought I lost it when I was on my way back to Singapore. Isn't it enough that he broke my heart without knowing it? He had to repeat it over and over again and then play his stupid songs in my face like he has feelings for me. He had to look me in the eye and then keep silent while observing in the background. He had to pretend he's asleep and then mention my name in the dark like he's concerned about me. He had to go to his friend's place overseas all of a sudden and then forget to say goodbye. 

You know what the worst part is? These past few days made me see how much of a fool I am. Waiting for him is like waiting for the needle to drop in a haystack which is synonymous to Dora finding Nemo on the same show.

Maybe I am assuming. Or maybe I misinterpreted the signals and jumped to the wrong conclusions. Or maybe I was too bored with my life and he's the only guy I keep seeing that I developed this "thing" between us which happens to be non-existent. Okay, it's probably a one-sided attraction brought about by an almost extinct social life. Exactly.

For what it's worth, he must have been sent from above to let me know I can care for someone. Enough to lose my mind when I don't see him. Enough to wish he'll be happy even if it's not with me. Enough to pretend I'm okay when he's around although I'm dying inside because he cares for someone else. Enough to accept my pathetic behavior that I absolutely abhor to the core of my being. 

Yes. I. am. pathetic. This is the new me. *vomits*

Not really. The new me will soon forget about the guy with no balls (as my long-time friend told me) and move on to the next guy who will come along even if she doesn't like him. 

This must be the so-called rebound. Except we were never in a relationship. It has a sting to it that sounds disgusting but if that's the only way to forget about him then I'm willing to do this.There's no turning back now since I already gave my number to this HS friend who suddenly decided to make his presence known again.

I'll have to wait and see. 

I am never going to be Dora. 

I'm not going to search for a needle. Thank you very much.